Some Things I Know About Step-Families

When I say I know these things, I'm speaking of my own experiences as a step-daughter, my observations as a research assistant on a Child Development project, and doing therapy with couples who have children and are trying to navigate the complicated world of step-families.

I've picked up some very useful things from observing, as well as feedback from seasoned professionals in a supervision setting.

Here are a few of those things:

1. During the beginning, "dating," stage - don't rush to introduce your children to that person

.

Yes, you want to be sure they get along before things get too serious, but consider the fact that your children may be struggling with changes to the family structure enough as it is. The person could be the most amazing man or woman and still get a terrible response from your kids. Build the relationship more; make sure you have a strong foundation of affection and caring for each other BEFORE introducing that challenge. When the connection is strong, there is much more motivation to handle challenges at that point. The love/caring you already have will make you and that person want to figure out whatever needs to be done. Besides, you may wind up ending the relationship for something else and realize your children didn't need to meet them after all.

2. Discipline - you handle yours, they handle theirs. Especially for blended families (both partners come in with a child)

I've had families who believe it's best to have the male (dad, step-father) at the "head" of the household, therefore Dad handles the discipline. Or couples want to present a "united front”, so one person handles discipline and the other does not object to whatever punishment is given.

I've actually seen (and been advised) that it's better to let each parent handle their own biological children. First, there's no denying the deeper connection to a child that is biologically related to you. Secondly, it makes for smoother family relationships. As a child, I remember having a somewhat strained relationship with my step-father because he was mostly associated with punishments and spankings in my mind. It wasn't until becoming a young adult that I got to know and fully appreciate the rest of his personality. I can imagine it would have been better for my mom to handle the spankings simply because I would get over whatever resentment I was feeling towards her much faster than this new man in our lives.

Note: any decisions on discipline should still be made jointly – I'm speaking more on who actually implements/announces/dishes out the punishments here. As a couple, talk together but let bio-mom/bio-dad handle it. Make family rules with EVERYONE present (kids too) then hold everyone to the standards you set. Make it clear that more serious issues will be dealt with after dinner, etc, that way if bio-mom/dad isn't present at the time, they can be there for a discussion on it.

3. When you sense problems, consider couple's therapy first!

I can't tell you how many times I've started therapy with a family and their main complaint is the children, but then 1-2 sessions in, I can clearly see it's really the couple who need to look at themselves and fix whatever is going on between them. Children pick up on tension and issues between adults, even when they think it's "behind closed doors" - and they can act out, because this is there only way of dealing with something so complex. I once had a blended family where the father was upset that his son was being disrespectful to the step-mom. Almost immediately I started noticing that Dad didn't seem too happy in his marriage, and it seemed to me that the son was probably acting out of some subconscious loyalty to his father. They needed to work on whatever problems they were experiencing with each other before trying to address the son and force him into something.