Friends in Your Relationship: Are They Helpful or Just Butting In?

There are a lot of women who share intimate details of their relationships with their friends. Whether they are looking for advice or just wanting to vent; but how helpful is it? How much do you tell your friends, and how much of that “advice” should you follow?

There seem to be good points supporting each side.

Your Love Can't Make Up For Someone's Past..

I see it all the time - you get with someone who has past hurts and baggage and you love them SO MUCH that you think you can love them through it. I see it a lot with women, since I feel our natural inclination is to be nurturers, but I've also seen men do the same (with a woman, or in relationships with other men). The issues can come from that person's childhood or their experiences in romantic relationships.

There's two ways you try to handle it -
The first way:

Heal them with your love. They've been cheated on and they have trust issues, so you can show them true commitment and honesty. They've been abused in the past, so you're going to show them how it feels to be loved by someone gentle; you would never talk down to them or put your hands on them. They were never told "I Love You" enough, so you're gonna say it everyday, every night. Whatever the issue, you're there to help.

Or, the second way:

A Lesson in Self-Esteem

I recently had a phone conversation with a good friend that really affected me. My friends and I tell each other stories about our stupidity ALL the time, but this time, I felt the need to get serious. She was going on and on about a guy she was seeing, and it was clear he did not see her as anything more than a sex partner. Which is fine, except that she has feelings for him. I’m going to say here what I said to her:

When we get caught up in bad situations, it’s important to be mindful of the fact that every experience affects our self-esteem. EVERY SITUATION. Any success or failure, big or small. Experiences will affect our self-esteem for the good or bad, and we have no control over that. We can control, though, is how deep it goes.

Rough Patches - I Finally Learned They Aren't Hopeless

Every now and then, I think something really good happens and all I can think is: “that’s perfect for the blog!” I really want my blog to be about people learning from each other’s experiences, so I try to include my take on stories I hear from friends or analyze my own situation.

One night a while back, I was having a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship. Even in the midst of all the tension, seriousness, and everything else, I was typing like crazy on my Blackberry so I could remember what was being said. I recently came across the note again, and I decided to post it. 

My boyfriend is a writer, so he expresses himself extremely well verbally. He explained his view of our situation so well that I had to write it down. The talk we had really helped me to understand where he was coming from and it took me out of my stubborn position. Anyone who knows me, knows that’s a really big deal – I make up my mind about something and that’s just it. I was irritated so I had decided I wasn’t going to put forth any effort to fix things and I had grown complacent with the barely talking to each other and having little arguments every day. We had been experiencing a lot of tension because of financial and professional stressors, so the quality of our interactions with each other had deteriorated significantly. In a nutshell: We just weren’t being nice to each other anymore. But we talked and, even though I was already going to stick it out, he helped me to decide to do my part and stop the BS now. It was like a revamping of our relationship and getting back to our original purpose: being together as we pursue our individual goals and get closer to the things we aspire to do as a couple as well. *Keep reading, because he had a great metaphor for the dynamic in our relationship*

Easy Ways to Give Your Relationship a Tune –Up

….or just maintain what you already have going.

Relationships are hard. Especially the long term relationships. The new ones are way easier, you make a few nice gestures… remember a birthday or some little known fact about them and suddenly you’re God’s gift to mankind. But when you’ve passed the New-New stage, those same little moves get forgotten. You feel like you know the person so well and people get comfortable. I think people should realize that those little courtesies you give people at work – making sure you check your attitude before you come at your boss, etc – or you give a random person at the store… Or even the politeness you would show a friend – should be shown to your partner, too.

Why Do I Like The One I KNOW I Shouldn't??

I had a conversation with a good friend the other day, and we were both trying to decide what it is that makes us attracted to those situations we know logically we’re better off being out of. Like, Why we love that ex-boyfriend we know just aint no good… Or why we tend to get more excited about the “bad guys” over the good, respectful, “safe” ones. It seems like we get bored with guys who treat us right, call consistently, don’t break our trust, tell us the truth about everything – all the things the “safe” guys do without any hard work, sweat, and tears on our part. But then, we fuss and fight with the bad guys for not doing those EXACT things! 

What makes us stick around and try to fix something, when we could just move on and find something that comes already established. We even had examples of our friends who got into something good and still looked back at a past, broken relationship and felt a twinge of nostalgia.

I brought up some reasons that were both funny and actually seemed to make some sense [these things apply to guys, girls, heterosexual relationships, and homosexual too. I’ve talked to plenty guys involved with girls they know aren’t good for them, and they can’t seem to figure out why. And my gay friends too, just can’t figure out why they keep being drawn to someone who can’t give them what they deserve]:

“W.W.A.D.: What Would Amber Do?” – Your Friends & Your Man

This is a saying me & my best friend have started that basically represents how you should act, as a woman, if you feel like your female friends are crossing the line with your boyfriend. Amber is one of my friends that we all know doesn’t play that shit. Amber snaps on just about everything when it comes to her boyfriends. She doesn’t like other girls getting too comfortable with him, she wants an explanation for missed calls/texts, if a guy’s story of some event isn’t adding up, Amber isn’t having it – she will go back over something 100x until she feels he’s satisfied her question, if his phone is ringing/vibrating late at night – she would like to know who it is that is contacting him, and maybe even What for.

While Amber can be a little intense in our opinion, there are times where Amber’s attitude is just the attitude you need to adopt. 

When Do You Ask A Guy If He's Seeing Anyone Else?

For my 1^st post I’m going to do what my best friend literally asked me a few minutes before I wrote this. She called me on 3-way with one of our friends from college and went right into what they were apparently talking about before they called. “Hey, it’s a question about boys, ask Kya. She’s like an expert.” Then I just started writing bullet points like crazy while we were talking.

So….

“When is it the right time to ask a guy if he’s talking to other people?”