The Not-So-Obvious Benefits of STD & HIV Testing

There are the obvious benefits, of course – knowing your own status and your potential partner’s status is going to prevent contracting and/or spreading STD’s… but sometimes that’s not our first thought when we’re “in the mood.” When you start feeling somebody (either attracted to them, or starting to catch feelings) you’re not thinking about whether or not they’re going to give you a disease! If that’s what we were thinking, it would kill the mood almost immediately.

For this reason, I think the information about contraction rates, symptoms, safe sex practices, and all that stuff doesn’t motivate people to be safe the way it should. You don’t look at a good looking person and automatically think about protecting yourself from them. Some website or TV commercial warning you about how easy it is to spread HIV doesn’t always stick with you the way it should.  

But what ARE we thinking? Possibly about emotional attachment, whether or not the person feels the same way, a possible relationship with this person, etc… Realizing how much getting tested for STD’s and HIV can affect THESE things could actually motivate people to be more careful about it. At least I would think so.

There are other benefits to getting tested, beyond just health reasons. Getting tested could be related to your emotional attachment to a person; it can also show you whether or not that person feels the same way about you, and it could have a huge impact on a relationship you are already in:

The Only Time You Know He Wants To Be with You Is When He’s Begging To Stay (Advice to MEN & Women)

[I’m going to speak on this one in terms of a male to female relationship, but it applies across the board to gay relationships as well. You can always substitute gender terms if it applies]

Sometimes I really wish I could just scream to guys: “Your girl is trippin because the only time she can tell you want to stay is when you’re begging her not to go!” And what do I mean by that? I mean, for some girls, the only time they really hear about how much their man loves them is when she’s had enough and told him she wants out. Then come the tears and the begging and the professions of undying love.

The problem: In some relationships, men get comfortable. In the day to day they seem to take their partner for granted – there’s no appreciation, mention of the things he loves about his partner, no over-the-top “I Love You’s,”no random romantic gestures…nothing. If the couple argues, he might walk out or in the days after, he’s fine with the silent tension.

A Major Mistake Guys Make With Finances

For this topic, I’ll speak on from experience. I’ve had this problem in a few of my own relationships, and it’s definitely something that hits home for me on many levels: When guys (and honestly, some girls) get so caught up in doing BIG things, they forget the SMALL things matter too. I’ve seen it through marriages in some of my clients and/or family members, and I’ve watched it happen to my friends.

When a man isn’t where he wants be financially, this can cause major issues. Men have a huge expectation on them to provide financially, an expectation which women don’t automatically have. A woman making less than her partner may cause a little friction, but it’s not looked at like a huge failure the way it is when a man is bringing in less revenue. For some, financial hardship can bring into question a guy’s very manhood and that can really hurt.

Importance of Being Consistent With What You Want

A lot of my current work focuses on family relationships, specifically parenting issues. Lately, discipline has been the hot topic with my families and the whole time we’re discussing the techniques, my brain is relating it to couple relationships. One great technique we talk about, and it continues to stick out to me, is using CONSISTENCY.

Using consistency will work REALLY WELL in romantic relationships because the underlying issue with discipline is just RESPECT anyway. And you definitely have to make sure you’re getting it in your love life – so this fits perfectly! One thing I know to be true is that Respect is gained by being consistent and staying true to what you say – in other words, “Walking the Talk.”

A lot of times, people complain certain aspects of their relationship that have to do with things their partner is doing - a woman complains her husband never helps her clean up, girl complains someone she is dating never returns her calls consistently, a guy reminds his partner almost daily about something they're doing which he can't stand. You can never change someone else, you can only make changes to yourself. Since you can't control what the other person is doing, change what you do have control over - YOU. You CAN change the way you react to it. Start by being consistent with your standards. 

How NOT to Let Facebook & Twitter Ruin Your Relationship

I always hear people screaming about how social networks are “ruining relationships,” but I think a relationship can do just fine if there are guidelines. I don’t think the answer is deciding you can only date someone who doesn’t have a facebook, twitter, or myspace profile. I think the answer is upholding some kind of standards. Besides, a website can't do anything you don't LET it do

**My constant disclaimer: these things apply to many relationships! Every generation is on social networking sites nowadays so people in marriages, new relationships, live-in relationships – every stage can relate to this. And it gender doesn’t matter either. Guys and girls deal with both sides of the issue. As well as those in homosexual or heterosexual relationships.**

Rough Patches - I Finally Learned They Aren't Hopeless

Every now and then, I think something really good happens and all I can think is: “that’s perfect for the blog!” I really want my blog to be about people learning from each other’s experiences, so I try to include my take on stories I hear from friends or analyze my own situation.

One night a while back, I was having a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship. Even in the midst of all the tension, seriousness, and everything else, I was typing like crazy on my Blackberry so I could remember what was being said. I recently came across the note again, and I decided to post it. 

My boyfriend is a writer, so he expresses himself extremely well verbally. He explained his view of our situation so well that I had to write it down. The talk we had really helped me to understand where he was coming from and it took me out of my stubborn position. Anyone who knows me, knows that’s a really big deal – I make up my mind about something and that’s just it. I was irritated so I had decided I wasn’t going to put forth any effort to fix things and I had grown complacent with the barely talking to each other and having little arguments every day. We had been experiencing a lot of tension because of financial and professional stressors, so the quality of our interactions with each other had deteriorated significantly. In a nutshell: We just weren’t being nice to each other anymore. But we talked and, even though I was already going to stick it out, he helped me to decide to do my part and stop the BS now. It was like a revamping of our relationship and getting back to our original purpose: being together as we pursue our individual goals and get closer to the things we aspire to do as a couple as well. *Keep reading, because he had a great metaphor for the dynamic in our relationship*

Easy Ways to Give Your Relationship a Tune –Up

….or just maintain what you already have going.

Relationships are hard. Especially the long term relationships. The new ones are way easier, you make a few nice gestures… remember a birthday or some little known fact about them and suddenly you’re God’s gift to mankind. But when you’ve passed the New-New stage, those same little moves get forgotten. You feel like you know the person so well and people get comfortable. I think people should realize that those little courtesies you give people at work – making sure you check your attitude before you come at your boss, etc – or you give a random person at the store… Or even the politeness you would show a friend – should be shown to your partner, too.

Couples Arguing – In Front of Kids? Yes or No?

What do you think should happen? A couple is having an argument. Things are getting heated, and get really bad, really fast. The argument starts getting personal, and mean things are said. One partner may threaten to leave the relationship, the couple decides to break up or separate, or someone storms out of the house because things have gotten so bad. Whatever happens, happens right? It’s their business. But let’s say this couple has children. What then? In most situations I hear about, after a fight like this, no one explains anything to the kids. Maybe they are forgotten about because they were in another room watching TV or doing their own thing. Maybe the kids weren’t home during the argument, so why give an explanation? The couple isn’t pretending everything is perfect; they just want to protect their children from unnecessary stress and getting upset.

I recently had a deep conversation with someone dealing with this exact issue and I’m going to share what I told them about how I felt about it.

Why Do Relationships Get Harder As They Get More Serious?

When I talk to people in long term relationships, I always hear about how the first two years were great. Or the first 6 months. Or for the even longer relationships, you hear about the “7-year itch” – as in, things were good up until 7 years. For this reason, people say they like to be single or they don’t want to get into a relationship because things will eventually go bad. People are blaming time or the seriousness of the relationship, as if that’s what the problem is.

It definitely gets harder when your relationship gets deeper, but in my eyes there are very clear reasons for this. It’s not the length of time, necessarily, that is the problem. If that’s the case, you can just set up a cut off time for your relationships, like say 3 years, and just get a new partner every 3 years. I don’t think that will solve it. I think with seriousness comes a few key things that can be hard to deal with: you get to know who someone really is, people start giving their real opinion, and routines have to be set in more realistic ways – ways that each partner can deal with over a long period of time, rather than everybody being so agreeable. 

The Party Life - Threatening a Good Relationship

I have a friend from back in school who recently came to me about a very serious matter. Because it’s such a sensitive issue and my friend is a very private person, I’m going to give very little detail about the situation – leaving out any specifics that may be identifying. But I will say exactly what I told him because his situation and the conversation we had around it really touched me. I thought it would be perfect to share here because it may help someone else and I’d be able to get feedback from other people.

He came to me because he was having some issues with infidelity. He’s generally a quiet guy, but because of the industry he’s in (whether it be entertainment, athlete, etc), he’s being put in more and more situations where he’s having to put on this façade for the outside world and be this “party guy.” He said he’s not used to all the attention he’s been getting, and he’s starting to feel the pressure of having to juggle everything. With all this newfound popularity and living this party lifestyle comes GIRLS. And that’s where the biggest problem lies. Before he wasn’t in the public eye as much, him & his girlfriend only had regular/everyday issues – now they’re dealing with the cheating stuff over and over.

Even to this day, from the outside looking in my friend & his girlfriend have a really great relationship. They’ve been together since before all the popularity, etc, and he’s a great boyfriend to her. If his professional goals call for him to go out, he takes her with him. Everyone who knows him, knows his girlfriend, and envy the closeness they have. There is no doubt he loves her & she loves him. Everything is great at home, so why does he keep messing up? How does he get a handle on things and stop before he really loses a great girl?

What If Your Mate Makes a Comment About Your Appearance?

What usually comes up is when a person is gaining weight. But this isn’t the only thing your partner can be telling you. You can be slipping on something else – when you guys met you had a nice tight body and now you’ve been letting yourself go. Or guys too, if you were serious about working out, kept your hair cut and lined up, whatever it may be – and now you aren’t taking the same care and consideration with your appearance. Should your significant other let you know it’s time to get it together (take better care of yourself)? I think they should. And I think you should listen! Too often people take little comments that are said like they aren’t that serious. Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend said something too nicely, or sounded like it wasn’t a big deal so you ignored it. REWIND! They’re not just saying it for their health, you need to pay more attention.

I was talking to one of my really good male friends and he was telling me about how his girlfriend had mentioned something to him about shaving his pubic hair and he was wondering if he should really do it. My advice was a very strong HELL YEAH. I don’t really care too much about it in my own dating life, but she’s the only person’s opinion he should be worried about.

I told him to think about times he’s said something to her about her appearance, like maybe if her hair was looking rough and she needed a perm. Maybe he said it in a nice way, or tried to say it with humor – but his feelings remained the same: she needed to get it together. I asked him how much did he wish she would just go ahead and take care of it, instead of arguing back or saying “Oh, whatever” and making a joke about it. [I’m not quite sure what example he thought of, but it must have been serious because he responded really quickly with “Oh yeah, you right” & got my point!]

When I was young I used to get so mad at my mom when she would say stuff to me like, “Ooh, you are musty” or “Take that off, it’s tacky.” I swear, I would be so mad! But she told me things like that should be heard at home because at home it’s somebody who loves you telling you. Outside the house, there are people who will be a lot worse. And most of them aren’t going to tell you to your face, which is worse.

One thing you should consider is that by the time your partner says something to you about your weight, your appearance, how your feet stink – it’s probably been a while. There’s no telling how long they have been thinking it, and they probably gave you the sugarcoated version. No matter how bad it is, it probably wasn’t close to what they were actually thinking.

Maybe it’s just me, but I absolutely HATE relationships where your partner lets you get out of control & you are just looking crazy. I had a boyfriend for my last three years of college, and towards graduation I started realizing that I had been gaining weight & generally not giving a damn how I looked when I walked out of the house. It’s good to be comfortable and all that, but where was the line?! It took me to look at some pictures from my freshman year & compare them to the ones I was all willy-nilly posting on facebook at the time for me to really see I had took a wrong turn somewhere.

Anyway, my point is – don’t take it lightly when your partner does say something to you. And try to think about it in reverse, would you want them to take heed to a suggestion you had for them?

[Comments on blogs can be sent to: askkeeyar@gmail.com & they will be posted for you]

Having Better Sex, Because You’re Actually Enjoying It

I’ve spoken many times to people around the topic of sex. Two things that come up are actually very related. Women (in heterosexual relationships, although these same feelings can apply to people in same-sex relationships) can sometimes complain that while having sex, a man can be solely interested in his own satisfaction. Women can just lay there, waiting the 30 minutes or so until it is over. Men I’ve spoken to say they can tell when a woman is not enjoying sex, and it makes for a very unsatisfactory experience. The man may still participate, but just like their female counterparts, they too can find themselves waiting for it to be over.

The solution, it seems, is for these women to make the sex work better for them. Don’t just let your satisfaction rely on your sexual partner; revise the part that you can control: YOU.

These are a few ways for any person, male or female, to have better sex by finding ways to enjoy it:

A Relationship doesn't mean the end of Independence, but the end of Independence could mean the end of a Relationship

Just because you are with somebody and you’re happy to be making two lives into one great life, don’t think it’s time to lose yourself. HAVE YOUR OWN THING GOING ON!

I lived with my ex-boyfriend for almost three years. Our relationship was great. I had a crush on him since I was 14 years old – I was the Freshman with a huge crush on a Junior, and the feeling never went away even when we got together years later. We played video games together, learned how to handle adult life, he saw snow for the first time with me – he even took a road trip with me & got to meet my biological father, whom I only see every few years. Our relationship eventually broke down, though, because he didn’t have a clear plan for the future or set goals/aspirations.

When you are young, your relationship can be your world. Typically, you are working a part-time job because you’re not old enough to have started your career, so that leaves you plenty of free mental space to focus on your significant other. This doesn’t work when only one person moving more towards some goal as they are getting older, and the other’s worldview remains the same. This is not to insult my ex, he was very smart and had dreams – he just wasn’t actively pursuing them.