Young Love Makes Way For Better Relationships As An Adult

In a recent conversation with a friend, I thought of the value in teenage dating that I had never really considered before. My friend got a late start - she  didn’t really begin dating until the age of 21, whereas most people we knew started around 16. The differences between her and most people we knew in college were huge.  Any guy she started seeing probably had at least 3-5 years of dating experience, while she was just starting out… And it became obvious she was a little behind.

Even though teen age relationships seem insignificant in hindsight, I truly believe we are learning emotional competence during this time. We are able to practice handling emotions during teen years when the stakes weren't that high. If you cheat on your girlfriend, there usually wasn't child support or losing your home to think about. If you like someone a lot and it only lasts a week, it usually didn’t have that much of an effect on either of you – you get a new crush a month later, and they probably find someone just as quickly. As an adult, it can be dangerous to lead someone on.

Of course, this is not to say there are not consequences for your actions during the teen years; there are. That girlfriend you cheated on or person you led on probably made you feel horrible.  But the consequences weren’t as disruptive to your life as when you become an adult. It seems that we more fortunate if we are able to learn these lessons at a time where they are just that – lessons, and you move on.

I actually have a client I’m seeing for therapy who randomly had an issue relevant to this topic – she  found a hickey on her 14 year old son's neck. As she got deeper into what happened, she discovered the hickey was not from the girl who the family knew to be his girlfriend. Not too long after this, I met with the teenager by himself and he told me his mom made him tell his girlfriend and deal with this issue honestly. All I could think was “Wow; he's learning a lesson at 14 that some of my 30 year old friends have not learned to handle!”

The longer you have been dating, the more you have been practicing handling emotions. You've probably had to deal with Humiliation, some level of Heartbreak, Extreme Anger, Disappointment - so you're not completely caught off guard if one of these comes up again. You either know a good solution, or at least a personal example of what NOT to do.

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A Lesson in Self-Esteem

I recently had a phone conversation with a good friend that really affected me. My friends and I tell each other stories about our stupidity ALL the time, but this time, I felt the need to get serious. She was going on and on about a guy she was seeing, and it was clear he did not see her as anything more than a sex partner. Which is fine, except that she has feelings for him. I’m going to say here what I said to her:

When we get caught up in bad situations, it’s important to be mindful of the fact that every experience affects our self-esteem. EVERY SITUATION. Any success or failure, big or small. Experiences will affect our self-esteem for the good or bad, and we have no control over that. We can control, though, is how deep it goes.

New Rules of Relationships in 2012? Cheating Isn’t the End of the World?

I’m talking to one of my oldest and best friends the other day & I loved the conversation we had. She was explaining to me how, now that we are older (25 and up), she believes women begin to stop feeling guilty about cheating. The old feelings of guilt should be replaced with a satisfied feeling of achievement…..and pleasure.

She goes on to say, she is not going to let to an opportunity pass her by ever again, just because she is “temporarily coupled up” - especially when, in this day and age, nothing lasts forever. When you ask a person how many relationships they’ve been in, they usually have a pretty long history – or at least SOME history of relationships that have now ended. It means, THEY END. Doesn’t matter how long they lasted, eventually it was over.

How Do You Handle When Your Friend is Dating a Jerk?

Happens all the time… Your friend is involved with someone who is so blatantly wrong for them. In fact, it’s like the worse the guy is, the MORE she likes him! And then she wants to talk to you about him all the time. What do you do? Do you tell her she’s an idiot and put strain on your friendship? Do you pretend to be happy for her, and risk encouraging a situation that you know is going to be hurtful in the end?

“W.W.A.D.: What Would Amber Do?” – Your Friends & Your Man

This is a saying me & my best friend have started that basically represents how you should act, as a woman, if you feel like your female friends are crossing the line with your boyfriend. Amber is one of my friends that we all know doesn’t play that shit. Amber snaps on just about everything when it comes to her boyfriends. She doesn’t like other girls getting too comfortable with him, she wants an explanation for missed calls/texts, if a guy’s story of some event isn’t adding up, Amber isn’t having it – she will go back over something 100x until she feels he’s satisfied her question, if his phone is ringing/vibrating late at night – she would like to know who it is that is contacting him, and maybe even What for.

While Amber can be a little intense in our opinion, there are times where Amber’s attitude is just the attitude you need to adopt. 

The Party Life - Threatening a Good Relationship

I have a friend from back in school who recently came to me about a very serious matter. Because it’s such a sensitive issue and my friend is a very private person, I’m going to give very little detail about the situation – leaving out any specifics that may be identifying. But I will say exactly what I told him because his situation and the conversation we had around it really touched me. I thought it would be perfect to share here because it may help someone else and I’d be able to get feedback from other people.

He came to me because he was having some issues with infidelity. He’s generally a quiet guy, but because of the industry he’s in (whether it be entertainment, athlete, etc), he’s being put in more and more situations where he’s having to put on this façade for the outside world and be this “party guy.” He said he’s not used to all the attention he’s been getting, and he’s starting to feel the pressure of having to juggle everything. With all this newfound popularity and living this party lifestyle comes GIRLS. And that’s where the biggest problem lies. Before he wasn’t in the public eye as much, him & his girlfriend only had regular/everyday issues – now they’re dealing with the cheating stuff over and over.

Even to this day, from the outside looking in my friend & his girlfriend have a really great relationship. They’ve been together since before all the popularity, etc, and he’s a great boyfriend to her. If his professional goals call for him to go out, he takes her with him. Everyone who knows him, knows his girlfriend, and envy the closeness they have. There is no doubt he loves her & she loves him. Everything is great at home, so why does he keep messing up? How does he get a handle on things and stop before he really loses a great girl?

What If Your Mate Makes a Comment About Your Appearance?

What usually comes up is when a person is gaining weight. But this isn’t the only thing your partner can be telling you. You can be slipping on something else – when you guys met you had a nice tight body and now you’ve been letting yourself go. Or guys too, if you were serious about working out, kept your hair cut and lined up, whatever it may be – and now you aren’t taking the same care and consideration with your appearance. Should your significant other let you know it’s time to get it together (take better care of yourself)? I think they should. And I think you should listen! Too often people take little comments that are said like they aren’t that serious. Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend said something too nicely, or sounded like it wasn’t a big deal so you ignored it. REWIND! They’re not just saying it for their health, you need to pay more attention.

I was talking to one of my really good male friends and he was telling me about how his girlfriend had mentioned something to him about shaving his pubic hair and he was wondering if he should really do it. My advice was a very strong HELL YEAH. I don’t really care too much about it in my own dating life, but she’s the only person’s opinion he should be worried about.

I told him to think about times he’s said something to her about her appearance, like maybe if her hair was looking rough and she needed a perm. Maybe he said it in a nice way, or tried to say it with humor – but his feelings remained the same: she needed to get it together. I asked him how much did he wish she would just go ahead and take care of it, instead of arguing back or saying “Oh, whatever” and making a joke about it. [I’m not quite sure what example he thought of, but it must have been serious because he responded really quickly with “Oh yeah, you right” & got my point!]

When I was young I used to get so mad at my mom when she would say stuff to me like, “Ooh, you are musty” or “Take that off, it’s tacky.” I swear, I would be so mad! But she told me things like that should be heard at home because at home it’s somebody who loves you telling you. Outside the house, there are people who will be a lot worse. And most of them aren’t going to tell you to your face, which is worse.

One thing you should consider is that by the time your partner says something to you about your weight, your appearance, how your feet stink – it’s probably been a while. There’s no telling how long they have been thinking it, and they probably gave you the sugarcoated version. No matter how bad it is, it probably wasn’t close to what they were actually thinking.

Maybe it’s just me, but I absolutely HATE relationships where your partner lets you get out of control & you are just looking crazy. I had a boyfriend for my last three years of college, and towards graduation I started realizing that I had been gaining weight & generally not giving a damn how I looked when I walked out of the house. It’s good to be comfortable and all that, but where was the line?! It took me to look at some pictures from my freshman year & compare them to the ones I was all willy-nilly posting on facebook at the time for me to really see I had took a wrong turn somewhere.

Anyway, my point is – don’t take it lightly when your partner does say something to you. And try to think about it in reverse, would you want them to take heed to a suggestion you had for them?

[Comments on blogs can be sent to: askkeeyar@gmail.com & they will be posted for you]

Men, Y’all Out Here Creating These Monsters!!

Guys start talking to a girl (dating, but with no commitment. usually involved sexually), and when they realize the girl wants more – a relationship – they start pulling back. Not telling her flat out they don’t want to see her anymore, but definitely showing less interest and contacting her with less frequency. The calls stop, the texts are not as regular. Usually her friends are telling her to leave him alone or she just gets tired of feeling stupid - Eventually the girl gets the hint and feels like she is doing better when she leaves him alone.

After a while, the girl pops back up in the guys life and starts right back down the same path. She’s looking crazy, though. Why is she back? Why is she popping back up? Because the guy is doing little things to egg her on!

The thing that irritates me is, I have plenty of guy friends and when they get into a situation like this with a girl, they start complaining! They start getting irritated when the girl gets on “stalker status” and starts chasing him – not catching the hint that he’s not contacting her like he used to, and taking the initiative to call or text him anyway, or inviting herself over…trying to tag along when he goes out with friends the way she used to when he invited her during the beginning stages. The reason I don’t care for the complaints is because I feel like the guys cause the bullshit themselves! Yep, I think they ENCOURAGE the girls to act stalkerish, even though they are telling their friends she’s totally acting on her own & probably just obsessed with him.

Let me tell you how and why I think it is YOUR FAULT, men.

A debate on putting yourself out there when you're not sure if they have feelings, too

I spent my lunch hour the other day at work on the phone with 2 of my friends talking about a problem one of them was having - and debating with the other over what she should do.
My friend has been on again-off again talking (dating, but with no real commitment) to this guy for about a year now. She has recently come to the conclusion that she has feelings for him, but isn't quite sure what to do. For the most part - from what I can tell, and what she has told me - they are mostly involved physically. Anytime any serious conversations come up - like trying to define their situation (what are we to each other?) - he is not responsive, and they usually take a break from talking to each other for a while.
My stance is a great big HELL NO. My other friend (who was the other party on this three-way call) thought she should lay her feelings out & see what happens. We wound up debating back & forth for a while - and I thought it would be interesting to see what other people thought of it. What should my friend do, what would other people do in her place, and if possible, what do GUYS think is the way to go?
I'll present our arguments here (we literally went back and forth like a prosecution-defense, trying to get her to pick our sides lol) & you guys can tell me what you think she will do.

When Do You Ask A Guy If He's Seeing Anyone Else?

For my 1^st post I’m going to do what my best friend literally asked me a few minutes before I wrote this. She called me on 3-way with one of our friends from college and went right into what they were apparently talking about before they called. “Hey, it’s a question about boys, ask Kya. She’s like an expert.” Then I just started writing bullet points like crazy while we were talking.

So….

“When is it the right time to ask a guy if he’s talking to other people?”