Chased, Pursued...Then Dropped

It happens; someone is attracted to you and they make it known. They let you know they want you, other people know they want you, you get the calls, tweets, texts - everything. Then you go out with them and it's fun. It's exciting. They text you in the morning to see what you have going on for the day, and they text you at night to ask how it all went. There's constant offers to go out and do things; if they don't hear from you, they're wondering why; if they can't see you, they try to plan for another day.... and then you get into them. You start reciprocating the feelings; you have just as much anticipation as they had at the beginning. That lasts for a little while, but then it stops.

I hear this story a lot, from friends, on TV, I see it on blogs in celebrity relationships, and even from my own experiences. From the stories, I've noticed 1 of 2 things are usually going on:

A Lesson in Self-Esteem

I recently had a phone conversation with a good friend that really affected me. My friends and I tell each other stories about our stupidity ALL the time, but this time, I felt the need to get serious. She was going on and on about a guy she was seeing, and it was clear he did not see her as anything more than a sex partner. Which is fine, except that she has feelings for him. I’m going to say here what I said to her:

When we get caught up in bad situations, it’s important to be mindful of the fact that every experience affects our self-esteem. EVERY SITUATION. Any success or failure, big or small. Experiences will affect our self-esteem for the good or bad, and we have no control over that. We can control, though, is how deep it goes.

New Rules of Relationships in 2012? Cheating Isn’t the End of the World?

I’m talking to one of my oldest and best friends the other day & I loved the conversation we had. She was explaining to me how, now that we are older (25 and up), she believes women begin to stop feeling guilty about cheating. The old feelings of guilt should be replaced with a satisfied feeling of achievement…..and pleasure.

She goes on to say, she is not going to let to an opportunity pass her by ever again, just because she is “temporarily coupled up” - especially when, in this day and age, nothing lasts forever. When you ask a person how many relationships they’ve been in, they usually have a pretty long history – or at least SOME history of relationships that have now ended. It means, THEY END. Doesn’t matter how long they lasted, eventually it was over.

The Only Time You Know He Wants To Be with You Is When He’s Begging To Stay (Advice to MEN & Women)

[I’m going to speak on this one in terms of a male to female relationship, but it applies across the board to gay relationships as well. You can always substitute gender terms if it applies]

Sometimes I really wish I could just scream to guys: “Your girl is trippin because the only time she can tell you want to stay is when you’re begging her not to go!” And what do I mean by that? I mean, for some girls, the only time they really hear about how much their man loves them is when she’s had enough and told him she wants out. Then come the tears and the begging and the professions of undying love.

The problem: In some relationships, men get comfortable. In the day to day they seem to take their partner for granted – there’s no appreciation, mention of the things he loves about his partner, no over-the-top “I Love You’s,”no random romantic gestures…nothing. If the couple argues, he might walk out or in the days after, he’s fine with the silent tension.

Why Do I Like The One I KNOW I Shouldn't??

I had a conversation with a good friend the other day, and we were both trying to decide what it is that makes us attracted to those situations we know logically we’re better off being out of. Like, Why we love that ex-boyfriend we know just aint no good… Or why we tend to get more excited about the “bad guys” over the good, respectful, “safe” ones. It seems like we get bored with guys who treat us right, call consistently, don’t break our trust, tell us the truth about everything – all the things the “safe” guys do without any hard work, sweat, and tears on our part. But then, we fuss and fight with the bad guys for not doing those EXACT things! 

What makes us stick around and try to fix something, when we could just move on and find something that comes already established. We even had examples of our friends who got into something good and still looked back at a past, broken relationship and felt a twinge of nostalgia.

I brought up some reasons that were both funny and actually seemed to make some sense [these things apply to guys, girls, heterosexual relationships, and homosexual too. I’ve talked to plenty guys involved with girls they know aren’t good for them, and they can’t seem to figure out why. And my gay friends too, just can’t figure out why they keep being drawn to someone who can’t give them what they deserve]:

Why Do Relationships Get Harder As They Get More Serious?

When I talk to people in long term relationships, I always hear about how the first two years were great. Or the first 6 months. Or for the even longer relationships, you hear about the “7-year itch” – as in, things were good up until 7 years. For this reason, people say they like to be single or they don’t want to get into a relationship because things will eventually go bad. People are blaming time or the seriousness of the relationship, as if that’s what the problem is.

It definitely gets harder when your relationship gets deeper, but in my eyes there are very clear reasons for this. It’s not the length of time, necessarily, that is the problem. If that’s the case, you can just set up a cut off time for your relationships, like say 3 years, and just get a new partner every 3 years. I don’t think that will solve it. I think with seriousness comes a few key things that can be hard to deal with: you get to know who someone really is, people start giving their real opinion, and routines have to be set in more realistic ways – ways that each partner can deal with over a long period of time, rather than everybody being so agreeable. 

Men, Y’all Out Here Creating These Monsters!!

Guys start talking to a girl (dating, but with no commitment. usually involved sexually), and when they realize the girl wants more – a relationship – they start pulling back. Not telling her flat out they don’t want to see her anymore, but definitely showing less interest and contacting her with less frequency. The calls stop, the texts are not as regular. Usually her friends are telling her to leave him alone or she just gets tired of feeling stupid - Eventually the girl gets the hint and feels like she is doing better when she leaves him alone.

After a while, the girl pops back up in the guys life and starts right back down the same path. She’s looking crazy, though. Why is she back? Why is she popping back up? Because the guy is doing little things to egg her on!

The thing that irritates me is, I have plenty of guy friends and when they get into a situation like this with a girl, they start complaining! They start getting irritated when the girl gets on “stalker status” and starts chasing him – not catching the hint that he’s not contacting her like he used to, and taking the initiative to call or text him anyway, or inviting herself over…trying to tag along when he goes out with friends the way she used to when he invited her during the beginning stages. The reason I don’t care for the complaints is because I feel like the guys cause the bullshit themselves! Yep, I think they ENCOURAGE the girls to act stalkerish, even though they are telling their friends she’s totally acting on her own & probably just obsessed with him.

Let me tell you how and why I think it is YOUR FAULT, men.