I got an email from someone that I thought was perfect to share for today. I woke up this morning and hopped on Twitter - besides talking on the phone, this is how I wake up lol - and immediately see that today, February 7th, is National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day. This email is from the point of view of a girl who recently had a sexual relationship with someone that she is regretting....and in the worst way - she fears she MAY have contracted something from him, or she's at least at risk. I think she captured all the crazy emotions, confusion, and fear perfectly. Read it and comment!!! She's a reader, so she'll see the responses :)
So it’s Tuesday and I just got tested for HIV. And Herpes. And Chlamydia. Actually I just got a panel of test that tested me for a number of sexually transmitted diseases (10 to be exact). I decided to go on WEBMD (aka- the DEVIL) to look up all the different diseases. And then the bullshit ensued. Herpes …..is that a razor bump or an outbreak? Hepatitis….. my throat has felt a little dry lately. Chlamydia….my cramps were intense this month….HIV…..I can’t I’m done….*shuts down computer*
I guess its important to give a bit of background on the dude. He was my first real boyfriend. Four years ago. He was perfect for me. Different from the rest. Sweet, sensitive, cute, funny…..Then we broke up. I wasn’t ready to be his girlfriend according to him. Too immature. He moved on. I moved on…reluctantly. Reconnected a couple times throughout the years but it never lasted. He moved to Cali. I planned on visiting him. Bought the ticket. But as fate would have it he moved back home 3 months later.
When he moved back things got serious quick. Felt like it did years ago. We had sex. It was GOOD! I had to keep doing it. In my mind sex was just the physical expression of the feelings I had for him. But after a couple of sex-filled nights , I started to doubt myself. Im having sex with my ex. Does that mean we are together? Is he sleeping with anyone else? When was the last time he was tested? I ask him. He says something about his last girlfriend getting tested and being clean. Huh? What does that mean? I ask him to get tested. He says he will. I don’t push it. 6 weeks in and a condom is missing from our stash. “My friend took it.” Bullshit. I’m mad. But I want to believe him so I do. 2 weeks later. Still no definition to our r/l. I ask him. He’s not ready for a girlfriend. WHAT! We have been fucking for 2 months! I was already your girlfriend before!
Long story short I find out a lot has changed in the last couple of years. He’s deep into the party scene now. Been experimenting with his fair share of drugs and women. He hasn’t always used protection. Only when they insist. And they usually don’t. Some girls he knew, some he didn’t. Never asked them about their status.
I cant stop scratching, my whole body itches. My head hurts. Back aches. Syphilis? I go google test centers. Find one. Surprisingly easy process. Couples discount?( Me and my next man will be here!)Results in 24-48 hours. Yes! The wait is the worst part! In and out in 15 minutes? Yea right. I went today. I was out in 15 minutes.
Now all I can do is wait. And reflect. Was it worth it? FUCK NO! I ”loved” him. But no amount of affection makes up for feeling as though you fucked up and there isn’t a damn thing you could do about it. Wondering how you would tell your mom if your HIV positive. Asking yourself how you would tell your future partner if you had Herpes. Wondering how you would explain to friends that Gonnohera has left you infertile and now we cant stick by our pregnancy pact ( Not as bad as it sounds lol). It’s scary. I cant say that I’m happy to be here. But at least I will know.
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