In a recent conversation with a friend, I thought of the value in
teenage dating that I had never really considered before. My friend got a late
start - she didn’t really begin dating
until the age of 21, whereas most people we knew started around 16. The
differences between her and most people we knew in college were huge. Any guy she started seeing probably had at
least 3-5 years of dating experience, while she was just starting out… And it
became obvious she was a little behind.
Even though teen age relationships seem insignificant in hindsight, I
truly believe we are learning emotional competence during this time. We are
able to practice handling emotions during teen years when the stakes weren't
that high. If you cheat on your girlfriend, there usually wasn't child support
or losing your home to think about. If you like someone a lot and it only lasts
a week, it usually didn’t have that much of an effect on either of you – you get
a new crush a month later, and they probably find someone just as quickly. As
an adult, it can be dangerous to lead someone on.
Of course, this is not to say there are not consequences for your
actions during the teen years; there are. That girlfriend you cheated on or
person you led on probably made you feel horrible. But the consequences weren’t as disruptive to
your life as when you become an adult. It seems that we more fortunate if we
are able to learn these lessons at a time where they are just that – lessons,
and you move on.
I actually have a client I’m seeing for therapy who randomly had an
issue relevant to this topic – she found
a hickey on her 14 year old son's neck. As she got deeper into what happened,
she discovered the hickey was not from the girl who the family knew to be his
girlfriend. Not too long after this, I met with the teenager by himself and he
told me his mom made him tell his girlfriend and deal with this issue honestly.
All I could think was “Wow; he's learning a lesson at 14 that some of my 30
year old friends have not learned to handle!”
The longer you have been dating, the more you have been practicing handling
emotions. You've probably had to deal with Humiliation, some level of
Heartbreak, Extreme Anger, Disappointment - so you're not completely caught off
guard if one of these comes up again. You either know a good solution, or at
least a personal example of what NOT to do.
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