Teens Waiting For Sex: Reasons & Issues That Actually Matter To Them [A Discussion Relevant for All Ages]

I really think teens believe adults are just preoccupied with their sex lives for no reason. As if parents are just trying to keep them from sexual activity as long as possible with no real logic behind it. In my opinion there are some real issues to consider, at any age, and teens would be surprised to know they're probably not what they assume. 

• Intimacy can be a risky thing: Regardless of your belief system, you can't ignore the fact that sec is an intimate/spiritual connection with another person. This means that when you lie down with someone (even for the more "casual" experiences of today's world), you talk on the issues/life experiences of that other person. The physical transference is apparent, pregnancy/STDs/etc, but the lots of times people are less aware of the emotional consequences. For instance, if you're a guy and you have sex with a girl who has a troubled past - maybe not enough attention from a parent, whatever - your situation is heavily affected. This girl can now have expectations of you, anger towards you when you don't call/text her back, or she becomes clingy.. And what consequences do you think come with a guy who had no father figure, and doesn't know how to respect his sexual partner? Or he has "Mommy-issues" and a deep down animosity towards women? Even girl on girl, guy on guy - the issues are the same. And the younger you are, the less equipped you are to deal with these things. 

• Results of sex aren't always pleasant: it's ideal to be old enough to both know about AND be able to handle the consequences. Of course something like pregnancy is always discussed, but what about your sexual health? There's things I know at my age about women's health that I didn't know before. Sorry for the graphic content, but, for example - if there's vaginal discharge, it matters if it's white vs yellow vs clear. Does it have a smell? These things can mean very different consequences. And men have their own set of health issues - circumcised vs uncircumcised, etc. 

Until you know what's going on with you body (which comes with age/experience/knowledge), don't risk it. And if there ever is an issue, as an adult you are able to handle it better. You have your own money, your own health insurance, your own car. Whatever happens, you don't have to call mom or dad to help you handle it and your confidentiality is up to your own discretion. 

• Older = you're more knowledgeable = sex is more pleasurable: This is my personal favorite because it comes from what my mom told me when I was 13-14. She said, "I wouldn't want to have sex with a 14 year old boy; some 30 year olds can't do it right, so I KNOW a teenage boy couldn't possibly be anywhere near what someone would want." (Now, of course she said a lot more, but honestly at my age THIS is what stuck out the most and was actually effective). Despite what my friends were saying and no matter how much they bragged, it always occurred to me that they probably don't even know enough to know what good sex even is. Forgetting about your sexual partner, even - YOU, yourself (as a teen) don't know enough about sex and your own body to have as pleasurable of an experience as you think you would. And the answer isn't a simple "practice makes perfect" approach. Sex with multiple partners isn't the way you learn these things in the most constructive way. Age helps, you get more confidence and self-awareness. Love helps. Knowledge helps. 

What other things help when talking to teens? Leave comments or email askkeeyar@gmail.com

What advice would your teenage self have to give on the relationship you're in now?

When I start my private practice and work with couples on a larger scale, I'm going to do this exercise with them: what would your teenage self say to you now, if they could see the relationship you are in now? Very often I've heard people express what advice they would give as an adult to their teenage selves, but I actually believe we have a very strong sense of self at that age and the advice can come from the other direction. 

This idea came from talking to my 15 year old sister.. I was telling her about a friend's misfortune in dealing with a boyfriend who cheated on her very publicly. And the excuse he used was that he was drunk, and that was enough. To my sister, wise teenager that she is (lol), this was ridiculous! "Your friend is STUPID", she text me. Now, anyone would agree with that, adult or teen. But looking at it deeper, adults are actually more prone to let blatant disrespect such as this slide, because we over-complicate decisions by being TOO "big picture" sometimes. 

Obviously it wasn't his "great" excuse that kept her - it could be the years they've spent together, the child they have, the comfort in old habits, whatever. Adults have different standards than teens. And while most of the time this is a good thing because it can show more commitment and responsibility, it's not always for the better. Sometimes we need to get in touch with that old part of ourselves who wasn't taking crap from guys (or girls).. The part of us that had big dreams for what being in love should look like.. So I challenge you to ask yourself, what have you put up with that the 15 year old You would say "You're STUPID" to? If you had more confidence, more courage, audacity; what would you stand up to right now and change? Did you think you'd ever put your needs aside to the point of being ignored? Or be in a boring relationship? Not speak up when you know you should? Is your sex life what you thought and hoped for? Advice from a teenager sounds crazy, but in some ways that simpler time in our lives can inform us better than our "adult" shades of gray can. 

[disclaimer: Change doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship, I don't condone giving up because things aren't good. I mean this post to say, stop letting things pass! Make some changes! Adjust your relationship to something you and your partner can be proud of!]

Email: askkeeyar@gmail.com

Leave comments, thoughts, let me know what you would change!