When I start my private practice and work with couples on a larger scale, I'm going to do this exercise with them: what would your teenage self say to you now, if they could see the relationship you are in now? Very often I've heard people express what advice they would give as an adult to their teenage selves, but I actually believe we have a very strong sense of self at that age and the advice can come from the other direction.
This idea came from talking to my 15 year old sister.. I was telling her about a friend's misfortune in dealing with a boyfriend who cheated on her very publicly. And the excuse he used was that he was drunk, and that was enough. To my sister, wise teenager that she is (lol), this was ridiculous! "Your friend is STUPID", she text me. Now, anyone would agree with that, adult or teen. But looking at it deeper, adults are actually more prone to let blatant disrespect such as this slide, because we over-complicate decisions by being TOO "big picture" sometimes.
Obviously it wasn't his "great" excuse that kept her - it could be the years they've spent together, the child they have, the comfort in old habits, whatever. Adults have different standards than teens. And while most of the time this is a good thing because it can show more commitment and responsibility, it's not always for the better. Sometimes we need to get in touch with that old part of ourselves who wasn't taking crap from guys (or girls).. The part of us that had big dreams for what being in love should look like.. So I challenge you to ask yourself, what have you put up with that the 15 year old You would say "You're STUPID" to? If you had more confidence, more courage, audacity; what would you stand up to right now and change? Did you think you'd ever put your needs aside to the point of being ignored? Or be in a boring relationship? Not speak up when you know you should? Is your sex life what you thought and hoped for? Advice from a teenager sounds crazy, but in some ways that simpler time in our lives can inform us better than our "adult" shades of gray can.
[disclaimer: Change doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship, I don't condone giving up because things aren't good. I mean this post to say, stop letting things pass! Make some changes! Adjust your relationship to something you and your partner can be proud of!]
Email: askkeeyar@gmail.com
Leave comments, thoughts, let me know what you would change!
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