Rough Patches - I Finally Learned They Aren't Hopeless

Every now and then, I think something really good happens and all I can think is: “that’s perfect for the blog!” I really want my blog to be about people learning from each other’s experiences, so I try to include my take on stories I hear from friends or analyze my own situation.

One night a while back, I was having a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship. Even in the midst of all the tension, seriousness, and everything else, I was typing like crazy on my Blackberry so I could remember what was being said. I recently came across the note again, and I decided to post it. 

My boyfriend is a writer, so he expresses himself extremely well verbally. He explained his view of our situation so well that I had to write it down. The talk we had really helped me to understand where he was coming from and it took me out of my stubborn position. Anyone who knows me, knows that’s a really big deal – I make up my mind about something and that’s just it. I was irritated so I had decided I wasn’t going to put forth any effort to fix things and I had grown complacent with the barely talking to each other and having little arguments every day. We had been experiencing a lot of tension because of financial and professional stressors, so the quality of our interactions with each other had deteriorated significantly. In a nutshell: We just weren’t being nice to each other anymore. But we talked and, even though I was already going to stick it out, he helped me to decide to do my part and stop the BS now. It was like a revamping of our relationship and getting back to our original purpose: being together as we pursue our individual goals and get closer to the things we aspire to do as a couple as well. *Keep reading, because he had a great metaphor for the dynamic in our relationship*

After I finally finished grad school, I started my first real career-job. No more financial aid check coming in the Fall. It was real life. Never before had my income – little jobs in college, etc – been my TOTAL INCOME. Rent and bigger expenses were covered by financial aid. On top of this, it was a new job, so the probation period meant it would be a while before I got my first full check. At the same time, he started a new job and it was the same situation for him. Our first checks were shit, bills fell behind, and after a while, the stress created distance.

We talked and he told me what was going on in his mind. He felt like we had gotten so used to arguing and bickering that even in the good times, it seemed to him like the “niceness” wasn’t real. We’d have arguments and I’d express how irritated I was at the situation & HIM. It made him wonder if I was really in a good mood at times or if I even wanted to be in the relationship. These feelings caused him to detach more and more. He would go off and want to be alone.

He explained to me what would be going through his mind: I’m complaining more and more, talking about how fed up I’m starting to feel so he’s starting to think it’s only a matter of time before I run from the relationship. Especially since I had talked about not being particularly adept at handling rough patches in relationships. He’s thinking “Don’t be a fool and stick around for a girl who’s gonna leave you when things get tough.” On one side, his mind is saying it’s foolish to stick around, but his heart is saying “Just stay; if it turns out that she does run, then it’s just a learning experience.” He’s battling his heart and mind, and it makes him want to stay to himself and deal with everything running through his head. We get into fights because I can tell something is wrong and he’s not trying to talk about it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk, it’s that he’s unsure about the stability of the relationship and he’s struggling with the battle between Heart and Mind.

We did have a talk before towards the beginning of our relationship, and I remember asking him how he keeps himself so stable & confident in the relationship. When things get rough, I get mad and I take everything to the extreme. I remember back when he would come to my house to visit me – if we argued earlier that day, I would get off the phone and text him something like “Don’t come over anymore. I don’t wanna see you tonight.” Hours later, of course I want to see him. And right when I would be regretting my words & wondering how a little argument went so far, to the point of not talking to my bf and telling him not to come over – he would show up at my door with whatever movie we had originally planned on watching or food we were supposed to be eating. He was so grounded. I told him my history with relationships led me to conclude that I’m not fond off the “rough patch.” I don’t like wasting time on something that seems like it doesn’t have any hope. And sometimes that leads me to get ahead of myself by declaring a relationship dead, when it doesn’t necessarily have to end.

 

That was my thing to work on, and in this relationship, I was learning how to relax when things get hard. Instead of getting all upset over an argument, I’d relax more and give us space – but at the same time, being confident in the fact that everything was going to work out. He had started to be my anchor. While I’m out like the ship, floating around, going all crazy, being dramatic, my anchor stood still until I eventually settled. It was something I had learned to depend on. But throughout the stress and the distancing, what was I supposed to come back to if my anchor was moving around? It reminded me of that metronome on top of a piano. It moves back and forth, fast at first, but eventually it slows down til it centers itself and stops. I felt like my center was moving, so there was no slowing me down. I was upset about the relationship and starting to think about only the negative. [I want to be clear, I’m not saying my bf was the only reason I was learning to be more stable in relationships – only I am responsible for my maturity in relationships. It is not healthy to be dependent on someone, to the point where you’re not working out your own issues by your own strength. I just felt like my relationship was giving me a platform to learn some things about adulthood and maturity.]

My bf explained our situation like this: It’s like we’re stuck in a maze and we’re trying to find our way out but we keep hitting the same wall. And instead of looking for the way out TOGETHER, we were separating and searching individually. The maze is all the stress, bills, tough expectations at work, and other things holding us back from where we’re trying to go. We needed to get out by working together – coming up with a plan to share the bills and catch up on everything slowly instead of each looking at our own stuff and trying to do it alone, talking more openly about the stress we’re going through, and being more understanding towards each other. The more we work as a team and do things together, the more the walls of the maze break down, until there’s no more walls and eventually we aren’t lost anymore. 

 

That mention of working together and remembering what we were trying to accomplish when we first started out – all the goals, plans, etc – put our ass in gear and the rough patch was lifted. It was  better than just fixing one small argument and moving on, only to come right back to arguing. We got to the heart of the issues and had to let go of all the small stuff. We decided to revamp and go from there. Felt good. I guess I experienced getting through a rough patch without doing irreparable damage during the bullshit.

What are your experiences? What do you think about the talk? the metaphor? Anything?


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