Importance of Being Consistent With What You Want

A lot of my current work focuses on family relationships, specifically parenting issues. Lately, discipline has been the hot topic with my families and the whole time we’re discussing the techniques, my brain is relating it to couple relationships. One great technique we talk about, and it continues to stick out to me, is using CONSISTENCY.

Using consistency will work REALLY WELL in romantic relationships because the underlying issue with discipline is just RESPECT anyway. And you definitely have to make sure you’re getting it in your love life – so this fits perfectly! One thing I know to be true is that Respect is gained by being consistent and staying true to what you say – in other words, “Walking the Talk.”

A lot of times, people complain certain aspects of their relationship that have to do with things their partner is doing - a woman complains her husband never helps her clean up, girl complains someone she is dating never returns her calls consistently, a guy reminds his partner almost daily about something they're doing which he can't stand. You can never change someone else, you can only make changes to yourself. Since you can't control what the other person is doing, change what you do have control over - YOU. You CAN change the way you react to it. Start by being consistent with your standards. 

I have a client who was experiencing problems with her teenage daughter. She couldn’t get her to study and improve her grades, no matter how much she yelled and tried to show her that grades were important to her future. At one session, I asked the mom what she had done as a punishment for the girl’s continued lack of improvement. Mom said she told the girl she couldn’t use her phone or iPod – but the girl had her phone in her hand right at the session! Mom said her daughter wouldn’t give up the phone or iPod no matter how many times she asked. I told the mom that unless she took the things from her, she would continue to not be taken seriously & to be disrespected. Mom took the phone and iPod right then and there (despite the girl’s screaming and crying) and guess what? The next week, the girl was smiling and doing just fine. And had spent every day after school studying – and her grades were going up. Mom had gained respect by doing what she said she would do – and got the reaction that she wanted more quickly than anticipated.

In the same way, in your relationship, you have to follow through on what you say. If you tell your partner you will not tolerate being disrespected, and you give a “consequence” for this type of treatment/behavior, you have to go through with it. Whatever reaction you said you would have, you’d better give it.

Another point – never threaten something extreme as the consequence/reaction. Don’t say something you can’t follow through with. If the consequence is an embellished threat that you don’t want to do anyway – for example, “Or, I’ll leave you” – don’t say it!! You don’t want to do it anyway, so what are you going to do when the person does exactly what you said not to do? You will be tested and found out to be a bullshitter. And the issue will continue.

The consequence has to follow the behavior, EVERY TIME. The one time you falter, you put yourself two steps back, and you reinforce that the behavior or issue is acceptable.

This will take commitment on your part and tests how true you are to your standards. If you don’t want to be disrespected, you must react and speak on the issue EVERY TIME you are disrespected. Otherwise, you weren’t that serious about the issue in the first place – or at least that’s the message you are giving.

No matter what the problem – disrespect, dishonesty, mistreatment - or level of the relationship – dating, committed, married – this concept fits.

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(some concepts are from the discussion on discipline from parenting curriculum written by Stephen J Bavolek, PhD)