How Do You Handle When Your Friend is Dating a Jerk?

Happens all the time… Your friend is involved with someone who is so blatantly wrong for them. In fact, it’s like the worse the guy is, the MORE she likes him! And then she wants to talk to you about him all the time. What do you do? Do you tell her she’s an idiot and put strain on your friendship? Do you pretend to be happy for her, and risk encouraging a situation that you know is going to be hurtful in the end?

This blog isn’t about relationships, first-hand, but it is very relevant. I’m not sure if this applies in male friendships because for the most part, I’ve found this only applies to my female friends. Not liking your opposite sex friend’s choice of partner gets misinterpreted as jealousy, so I avoid speaking on that most of the time… BUT I have learned how to handle it with my girls J

• “Set it and Forget it” – you know those info-mercials with some kind of new cooking appliance that lets you put the food in, set a timer, and let it finish without you having to worry about it? Well I suggest you attempt a similar method with your friends. I do this by being honest from the beginning. I state my position, tell her the reasons I’m concerned, let her know I don’t agree with it…then I move on. Tell her it’s her life and she’s my friend, so I’m going to be there for her and she doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable letting me know what’s going on. And I reiterate that I don’t like it one last time at the end of that conversation, lol. After making all that clear, though, there shouldn’t be a need to have a huge discussion about it again. If you keep talking about it, week after week, you risk creating tension.

• Remove your emotional involvement – sometimes it’s best to take a step back from the situation and realize that it is not your life. I’ve found myself getting too upset about my friends’ choices, I’ve even lost friends that way. I had to check myself and ask why I was getting so upset when the situation technically didn’t affect me. Emotional involvement can really be a lot to handle; it’s why there are ethical guidelines for therapists against treating friends/family members/romantic partners. You’re not actually being helpful when you have self-interest invested in the outcome.

I was talking to my friend once and she was really letting me have it; going off on me about some guy I was dating and I just remember starting to get mad at her. I told her she had to be supportive and couldn’t get mad at me every time I brought his name up. She instantly stopped and told me she was definitely not mad, and that she just had to “tell me about myself.” It changed our whole interaction because at first, I was mad because I thought she was mad; when I found out she was just trying to state facts, rather than being genuinely upset, it made a big difference. I was able to really hear where she was coming from.

• “Signing the Petition” – Me and my best friend say this to each other now because we’ve both talked to guys we knew we shouldn’t have, but we needed each other’s support and wanted to be able to still gush about details. Basically, where I got this from was during a time when she was talking to this guy who just kept popping up, year after year! No matter how stupid he made her look in the past, and how many times she “finally realized it,” HE WAS CONSTANTLY POPPING BACK UP IN HER LIFE! She’s smart in every other area of her life, and she’s my best friend, so I couldn’t judge her too harshly. I had to find a way to cope with it. I did the “set it and forget it” but I needed something to get me through the day-to-day BS she wanted to share. He bought flowers…he took her out…called her for her birthday…whatever. And every time, I could tell she was happier than she was letting on, but my attitude probably made her uncomfortable and unable to share her true feelings. So I started mentally checking some imaginary checklist in my head. I would hear some story about something “great” he did, and I would think, “Okay he took you on a dream date, but he didn’t give you honesty, integrity, and your dignity back…Check!” And then I’d feel better. Or I would just pretend I was signing an imaginary petition against this relationship. I couldn’t just sit and do nothing, but I also couldn’t cause distance in my friendship over something that technically wasn’t even my business to interfere on.

These are random coping mechanisms I’ve come up with. It helps to be honest about how you feel, because as a friend, you always want to be a positive force in your friend’s life. When you see someone out looking crazy – physically or figuratively – especially in the media, you always hear the expression “they have no real friends.” In a sense, it’s your job to check your friends. But respectfully, and in a way that’s not intrusive. Besides, who’s to say that your opinion is right? Also, if things turn out wrong, you want to be there to support them. You have to stay true to your word though. You can’t fake excitement during the relationship, then when it falls apart, say “I knew it.” Stay consistent, but supportive at the same time.

That was a lot! What have you done to handle situations like these? Did it work, or was the situation too much?


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