Your Love Can't Make Up For Someone's Past..

I see it all the time - you get with someone who has past hurts and baggage and you love them SO MUCH that you think you can love them through it. I see it a lot with women, since I feel our natural inclination is to be nurturers, but I've also seen men do the same (with a woman, or in relationships with other men). The issues can come from that person's childhood or their experiences in romantic relationships.

There's two ways you try to handle it -
The first way:

Heal them with your love. They've been cheated on and they have trust issues, so you can show them true commitment and honesty. They've been abused in the past, so you're going to show them how it feels to be loved by someone gentle; you would never talk down to them or put your hands on them. They were never told "I Love You" enough, so you're gonna say it everyday, every night. Whatever the issue, you're there to help.

Or, the second way:



You excuse their behavior - for instance, you know he grew up in a home where his father ignored him and probably hit his mom. So that little push, or pop to the head wasn't so bad. Especially since he apologized and cried with you afterward. Told you the whole sob story. Or, she's never heard "I love you" enough and grew up without a dad. Her lack of affection for you or tendency to be selfish and snippy makes sense to you. Or, what I see the most - THE CHEATING!! He never saw a "real" relationship growing up, father was constantly with a different woman, parents never got married, blah blah blah.

You CAN NOT make up for someone's past. Your best option is to leave the serious issues alone. You are not being fair to yourself because you are not fully meeting your own needs. A relationship is a dyad - meaning there is a two-way connection and you should be giving AND GETTING. Besides that, you are not a trained professional. You don't have a phD in Psychology. You don't have any training in dealing with victims/children of domestic violence, emotional trauma, etc, therefore, you're probably not even helping as much as you really think you are. And even speaking as a professional, I, myself wouldn't want to take on a relationship with a person who has some past issues they haven't been able to get over. In fact, if you are a professional helping someone, the nature of your relationship is never going to include anything that personal or sexual anyway.

The person with the issues should be getting therapy to work on them - not fixing it through a relationship, or letting their past be a constant excuse. And the "fixer" needs to find a hobby to express that nurturing side of themselves (go volunteer?), and go get in a satisfying, fulfilling relationship.

Your thoughts? Do you see yourself or anyone you know in either of these roles?

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