Couples Arguing – In Front of Kids? Yes or No?

What do you think should happen? A couple is having an argument. Things are getting heated, and get really bad, really fast. The argument starts getting personal, and mean things are said. One partner may threaten to leave the relationship, the couple decides to break up or separate, or someone storms out of the house because things have gotten so bad. Whatever happens, happens right? It’s their business. But let’s say this couple has children. What then? In most situations I hear about, after a fight like this, no one explains anything to the kids. Maybe they are forgotten about because they were in another room watching TV or doing their own thing. Maybe the kids weren’t home during the argument, so why give an explanation? The couple isn’t pretending everything is perfect; they just want to protect their children from unnecessary stress and getting upset.

I recently had a deep conversation with someone dealing with this exact issue and I’m going to share what I told them about how I felt about it.

·        Even if they weren’t in the room, it still has an affect: Regardless of if the kids are there or not, the tension afterwards or giving each other the silent treatment can still affect the children. Kids are not dumb. They can sense when something is wrong. And the age doesn’t matter, even infants can be negatively affected when there is something wrong between parents.

·        You need to address it: (….in an age appropriate way) Kids are learning how the world works, and parents are there primary source of information – whether kids are conscious of it or not. They see things at home first. Even if a kid’s opinion is that they don’t want to do anything the way their parents do it – patterns and habits are formed from what you see and they can seep in subconsciously

-         the reason I say address it is because you want to show them how conflict should be handled. There are grown ups walking around with poor problem-solving skills – can’t get along at work, with peers, or in romantic relationships because all that starts in the home. Kids shouldn’t just hear Mom and Dad screaming, doors slamming, and then That’s it, everything is fine the next day. People think they’re protecting their kids but I say it’s hurting them more because then they just see fights but never know what to do to constructively solve the problem. They get how to FIGHT but not how to resolve anything

-         even though it’s better as parents to learn more constructive ways of handling disagreements than screaming and slamming doors – you may not be at this enlightened place yet. You can at least start by dealing with the aftermath and addressing children realistically instead of sweeping things under the rug

·     Addressing it: You don’t have to tell your kids all your business. Your relationship is private and it can remain that way, while at the same time addressing matters in a way that will benefit them. Besides, as private as the relationship is, once you have kids your relationship forever affects someone else in the world besides just you and your partner. STOP IGNORING YOUR ARGUMENTS/DISAGREEMENTS’ AFFECT ON THE KIDS! Too often people forget their romantic relationship has more than two members now. Your kids are at least secondary members of your spousal relationship now

·     What are ways to address it? I mentioned one way to handle this person’s situation would be a family meeting. Sounds corny, but I think this can be a great benefit. And just because the title “Family Meeting” can be intimidating doesn’t mean it has to be some huge thing. It could last a quick 5 minutes. Or someone could join via telephone or video chat. What’s important is that both parents are there and presenting as united and kids see that things were worked out effectively for both parents.

- Before talking to the kids, talk separately and process what happened amongst yourselves. Understand that your kids have a stake in things, too, and shouldn’t be ignored. Remember you are setting examples for them as they grow into adulthood.

·        Divulge information depending on the age of your children: You can simply start with “I know you guys heard Mommy and Daddy fighting the other night…” And see where that goes. Some kids talk a lot and you won’t have to do much work. However, some kids are more silent, but don’t think that means everything is fine

·        Let them know things have been worked out and give a little summary of how, “We cooled down, listened to each other’s point of view…”

·        If you did things that were wrong – threw something, screamed, hurt each other’s feelings – point those things out (in a general way, using age appropriate explanations depending on the child) and say something like, “That’s not how a man should talk to his wife” or “That’s not how you handle your anger maturely,” etc

·        Tell them Grown ups make mistakes but that they need to know how to handle things better

·        Answer any questions they have

Much of my opinion in this post probably draws from my background. I did research for several years during my time at Notre Dame with a man by the name of Dr. E. Mark Cummings. He has done A LOT of work on this topic – conflict and the effects on children – and he has many great things to say. If you want to know more, his name is everywhere. Look him up!

I wanna hear your opinions! How do you think these kinds of situations should be handled? Are parents helping or hurting their kids by hiding conflicts & their resolution process? 

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