Why Do Relationships Get Harder As They Get More Serious?

When I talk to people in long term relationships, I always hear about how the first two years were great. Or the first 6 months. Or for the even longer relationships, you hear about the “7-year itch” – as in, things were good up until 7 years. For this reason, people say they like to be single or they don’t want to get into a relationship because things will eventually go bad. People are blaming time or the seriousness of the relationship, as if that’s what the problem is.

It definitely gets harder when your relationship gets deeper, but in my eyes there are very clear reasons for this. It’s not the length of time, necessarily, that is the problem. If that’s the case, you can just set up a cut off time for your relationships, like say 3 years, and just get a new partner every 3 years. I don’t think that will solve it. I think with seriousness comes a few key things that can be hard to deal with: you get to know who someone really is, people start giving their real opinion, and routines have to be set in more realistic ways – ways that each partner can deal with over a long period of time, rather than everybody being so agreeable. 

What I mean by Getting to know the Real Person is that people put forth who they want to be to the outside world. When you are in a relationship with someone, the more serious it becomes, the more deeply you get to know them. That girl with all her stuff together – “Miss Independent;” “Miss Perfect;” she so smart, strong woman, all that – isn’t so great 24/7. You see her other side – over time you hear stories about her past relationships & choices she’s made that aren’t so smart. You get to see her trust issues. She’s immature. Maybe she has self-esteem issues. Maybe she cries about everything. On the shallow side, perhaps she doesn’t look so great when she wakes up in the morning. Or say you’re dating a guy whom everybody loves, everybody thinks he’s so cool. He has the best clothes & shoes, nice watches, comes through the party buying everybody drinks; he knows all the newest trends, has all the newest stuff. But at home, everything isn’t so great. You may find out he doesn't really have it like that - maybe he doesn’t keep up on his rent because he has to buy all these things; maybe his family life isn’t together; even though every girl thinks he’s just so sweet, maybe he’s an asshole to you at home.

Two things can happen: either it gets hard to deal with the things you find out – or you could be totally accepting and it’s the OTHER person who can’t handle someone else knowing their weaknesses. You may not like the person you start to see. On the other hand, it’s surprising, but the other person may be uncomfortable with someone seeing that they aren’t so perfect. Some people hold on to the image they portray to the outside world, and when they get into a serious relationship and/or start living with a significant other, they have to deal with the vulnerability they feel when they can’t have it all together 24/7.

In this instance, a serious relationship has struggles because of the arguments and tension that can develop with the discomfort of openness with another person. Openness that can be against your will at times, because you can’t keep up appearances or be your preferred self all the time. A guy or girl can resent their partner for things that they haven’t dealt with within their own self.

What also happens when things start to get serious and real, is people give their real opinions & routines have to be set in ways that each partners can live with throughout the long term. I’m not saying that people don’t say how they really feel at the beginning of relationships, I just think things can be presented on the favorable side. If you’re just doing something for a short period of time, you don’t worry too much about your own comfort because it’s not going to last forever. But if you’re in a serious relationship, you have to do things you can deal with for a while. For example, someone can ask a person they’re dating to do something they really don’t feel like doing, but since things are new they may give in and not think much of it. The thing is, as relationships get deeper, partners can’t always go out of their way for the other person. Sometimes their opinion may have to come out because if this is a relationship that is supposed to last into the long-term, it has to work for them as well.

For example, we start dating & we want to go to the movies. I hate silly/goofy comedies & I LOVE mushy tear-jerkers. As a guy, as much as you want to see the new spoof comedy “Vampires Suck,” you take me to go see the new Nicholas Sparks (the guy who wrote The Notebook & one of my favorite authors) movie, “Dear John,” because we just started dating and you could care less what we actually go see. You really just want to spend time with me & maybe impress me a little at this point. Now, we’re 8 months into our relationship and the same dilemma arises. Except this time, you are more comfortable with me. You can’t STAND girly, mushy movies. This time we have to find something we both want to see, and whatever mushy movie I wanted to see, you tell me to take a girl friend.

I remember when I first started dating my current boyfriend. I worked, went to school, and had an internship. I would be so tired, but I would cook and clean every night before he came over. I would go out of my way, but I never cared. I liked him & it didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Now, I work my 9 to 5 and I get sleepy during the week. I cook still, but when I’m tired, I let him know I’m tired. No more being cute & impressive. If we gotta get take out, or he has to cook, then we do what we gotta do. And if the house doesn’t get cleaned, I’m not gonna kill myself. A lot of stuff gets saved for the weekend to-do list!

Another big reason relationships get hard over time is, when things go bad, they go bad with this other person. You don’t share all your stress with friends & the outside world, so those relationships can seem less stressful. When you’re having money trouble, trouble at work, or a really serious personal issue – these are all things you share with your significant other. Sharing can be just letting them know what’s going on, or sharing can mean it’s a shared issue – both of you are having money trouble. If you’re experiencing a hardship with another person, it’s easy to associate that person with the troubles that are going on. It can be tense at home and seem less stressful to be around people who don’t know about all the adversity. So, where as things aren’t really your partner’s fault, the association between them and whatever is going on can paint things in a bad way.

I have my own ideas about what someone could do in these cases, but what do you think? These things are bound to happen, but how can people make sure they don’t ruin their relationship?


Questions, Comments, Suggestions? Comment here or email askkeeyar@gmail.com