Teens Waiting For Sex: Reasons & Issues That Actually Matter To Them [A Discussion Relevant for All Ages]

I really think teens believe adults are just preoccupied with their sex lives for no reason. As if parents are just trying to keep them from sexual activity as long as possible with no real logic behind it. In my opinion there are some real issues to consider, at any age, and teens would be surprised to know they're probably not what they assume. 

• Intimacy can be a risky thing: Regardless of your belief system, you can't ignore the fact that sec is an intimate/spiritual connection with another person. This means that when you lie down with someone (even for the more "casual" experiences of today's world), you talk on the issues/life experiences of that other person. The physical transference is apparent, pregnancy/STDs/etc, but the lots of times people are less aware of the emotional consequences. For instance, if you're a guy and you have sex with a girl who has a troubled past - maybe not enough attention from a parent, whatever - your situation is heavily affected. This girl can now have expectations of you, anger towards you when you don't call/text her back, or she becomes clingy.. And what consequences do you think come with a guy who had no father figure, and doesn't know how to respect his sexual partner? Or he has "Mommy-issues" and a deep down animosity towards women? Even girl on girl, guy on guy - the issues are the same. And the younger you are, the less equipped you are to deal with these things. 

• Results of sex aren't always pleasant: it's ideal to be old enough to both know about AND be able to handle the consequences. Of course something like pregnancy is always discussed, but what about your sexual health? There's things I know at my age about women's health that I didn't know before. Sorry for the graphic content, but, for example - if there's vaginal discharge, it matters if it's white vs yellow vs clear. Does it have a smell? These things can mean very different consequences. And men have their own set of health issues - circumcised vs uncircumcised, etc. 

Until you know what's going on with you body (which comes with age/experience/knowledge), don't risk it. And if there ever is an issue, as an adult you are able to handle it better. You have your own money, your own health insurance, your own car. Whatever happens, you don't have to call mom or dad to help you handle it and your confidentiality is up to your own discretion. 

• Older = you're more knowledgeable = sex is more pleasurable: This is my personal favorite because it comes from what my mom told me when I was 13-14. She said, "I wouldn't want to have sex with a 14 year old boy; some 30 year olds can't do it right, so I KNOW a teenage boy couldn't possibly be anywhere near what someone would want." (Now, of course she said a lot more, but honestly at my age THIS is what stuck out the most and was actually effective). Despite what my friends were saying and no matter how much they bragged, it always occurred to me that they probably don't even know enough to know what good sex even is. Forgetting about your sexual partner, even - YOU, yourself (as a teen) don't know enough about sex and your own body to have as pleasurable of an experience as you think you would. And the answer isn't a simple "practice makes perfect" approach. Sex with multiple partners isn't the way you learn these things in the most constructive way. Age helps, you get more confidence and self-awareness. Love helps. Knowledge helps. 

What other things help when talking to teens? Leave comments or email askkeeyar@gmail.com

What advice would your teenage self have to give on the relationship you're in now?

When I start my private practice and work with couples on a larger scale, I'm going to do this exercise with them: what would your teenage self say to you now, if they could see the relationship you are in now? Very often I've heard people express what advice they would give as an adult to their teenage selves, but I actually believe we have a very strong sense of self at that age and the advice can come from the other direction. 

This idea came from talking to my 15 year old sister.. I was telling her about a friend's misfortune in dealing with a boyfriend who cheated on her very publicly. And the excuse he used was that he was drunk, and that was enough. To my sister, wise teenager that she is (lol), this was ridiculous! "Your friend is STUPID", she text me. Now, anyone would agree with that, adult or teen. But looking at it deeper, adults are actually more prone to let blatant disrespect such as this slide, because we over-complicate decisions by being TOO "big picture" sometimes. 

Obviously it wasn't his "great" excuse that kept her - it could be the years they've spent together, the child they have, the comfort in old habits, whatever. Adults have different standards than teens. And while most of the time this is a good thing because it can show more commitment and responsibility, it's not always for the better. Sometimes we need to get in touch with that old part of ourselves who wasn't taking crap from guys (or girls).. The part of us that had big dreams for what being in love should look like.. So I challenge you to ask yourself, what have you put up with that the 15 year old You would say "You're STUPID" to? If you had more confidence, more courage, audacity; what would you stand up to right now and change? Did you think you'd ever put your needs aside to the point of being ignored? Or be in a boring relationship? Not speak up when you know you should? Is your sex life what you thought and hoped for? Advice from a teenager sounds crazy, but in some ways that simpler time in our lives can inform us better than our "adult" shades of gray can. 

[disclaimer: Change doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship, I don't condone giving up because things aren't good. I mean this post to say, stop letting things pass! Make some changes! Adjust your relationship to something you and your partner can be proud of!]

Email: askkeeyar@gmail.com

Leave comments, thoughts, let me know what you would change!

Friends in Your Relationship: Are They Helpful or Just Butting In?

There are a lot of women who share intimate details of their relationships with their friends. Whether they are looking for advice or just wanting to vent; but how helpful is it? How much do you tell your friends, and how much of that “advice” should you follow?

There seem to be good points supporting each side.

Some Things I Know About Step-Families

When I say I know these things, I'm speaking of my own experiences as a step-daughter, my observations as a research assistant on a Child Development project, and doing therapy with couples who have children and are trying to navigate the complicated world of step-families.

I've picked up some very useful things from observing, as well as feedback from seasoned professionals in a supervision setting.

Here are a few of those things:

1. During the beginning, "dating," stage - don't rush to introduce your children to that person

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Yes, you want to be sure they get along before things get too serious, but consider the fact that your children may be struggling with changes to the family structure enough as it is. The person could be the most amazing man or woman and still get a terrible response from your kids. Build the relationship more; make sure you have a strong foundation of affection and caring for each other BEFORE introducing that challenge. When the connection is strong, there is much more motivation to handle challenges at that point. The love/caring you already have will make you and that person want to figure out whatever needs to be done. Besides, you may wind up ending the relationship for something else and realize your children didn't need to meet them after all.

2. Discipline - you handle yours, they handle theirs. Especially for blended families (both partners come in with a child)

I've had families who believe it's best to have the male (dad, step-father) at the "head" of the household, therefore Dad handles the discipline. Or couples want to present a "united front”, so one person handles discipline and the other does not object to whatever punishment is given.

I've actually seen (and been advised) that it's better to let each parent handle their own biological children. First, there's no denying the deeper connection to a child that is biologically related to you. Secondly, it makes for smoother family relationships. As a child, I remember having a somewhat strained relationship with my step-father because he was mostly associated with punishments and spankings in my mind. It wasn't until becoming a young adult that I got to know and fully appreciate the rest of his personality. I can imagine it would have been better for my mom to handle the spankings simply because I would get over whatever resentment I was feeling towards her much faster than this new man in our lives.

Note: any decisions on discipline should still be made jointly – I'm speaking more on who actually implements/announces/dishes out the punishments here. As a couple, talk together but let bio-mom/bio-dad handle it. Make family rules with EVERYONE present (kids too) then hold everyone to the standards you set. Make it clear that more serious issues will be dealt with after dinner, etc, that way if bio-mom/dad isn't present at the time, they can be there for a discussion on it.

3. When you sense problems, consider couple's therapy first!

I can't tell you how many times I've started therapy with a family and their main complaint is the children, but then 1-2 sessions in, I can clearly see it's really the couple who need to look at themselves and fix whatever is going on between them. Children pick up on tension and issues between adults, even when they think it's "behind closed doors" - and they can act out, because this is there only way of dealing with something so complex. I once had a blended family where the father was upset that his son was being disrespectful to the step-mom. Almost immediately I started noticing that Dad didn't seem too happy in his marriage, and it seemed to me that the son was probably acting out of some subconscious loyalty to his father. They needed to work on whatever problems they were experiencing with each other before trying to address the son and force him into something.

Young Love Makes Way For Better Relationships As An Adult

In a recent conversation with a friend, I thought of the value in teenage dating that I had never really considered before. My friend got a late start - she  didn’t really begin dating until the age of 21, whereas most people we knew started around 16. The differences between her and most people we knew in college were huge.  Any guy she started seeing probably had at least 3-5 years of dating experience, while she was just starting out… And it became obvious she was a little behind.

Even though teen age relationships seem insignificant in hindsight, I truly believe we are learning emotional competence during this time. We are able to practice handling emotions during teen years when the stakes weren't that high. If you cheat on your girlfriend, there usually wasn't child support or losing your home to think about. If you like someone a lot and it only lasts a week, it usually didn’t have that much of an effect on either of you – you get a new crush a month later, and they probably find someone just as quickly. As an adult, it can be dangerous to lead someone on.

Of course, this is not to say there are not consequences for your actions during the teen years; there are. That girlfriend you cheated on or person you led on probably made you feel horrible.  But the consequences weren’t as disruptive to your life as when you become an adult. It seems that we more fortunate if we are able to learn these lessons at a time where they are just that – lessons, and you move on.

I actually have a client I’m seeing for therapy who randomly had an issue relevant to this topic – she  found a hickey on her 14 year old son's neck. As she got deeper into what happened, she discovered the hickey was not from the girl who the family knew to be his girlfriend. Not too long after this, I met with the teenager by himself and he told me his mom made him tell his girlfriend and deal with this issue honestly. All I could think was “Wow; he's learning a lesson at 14 that some of my 30 year old friends have not learned to handle!”

The longer you have been dating, the more you have been practicing handling emotions. You've probably had to deal with Humiliation, some level of Heartbreak, Extreme Anger, Disappointment - so you're not completely caught off guard if one of these comes up again. You either know a good solution, or at least a personal example of what NOT to do.

YOU CAN EMAIL QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, AND TOPICS TO ASKKEEYAR@GMAIL.COM :) 

How You Know If It's Really Love - True Love Is Easy To Spot

I believe that in relationships, there is true love if, and only if, over the course of the relationship, there is progression on the part of both people. Something should come out of partnership, and a relationship is not any different.

Your Love Can't Make Up For Someone's Past..

I see it all the time - you get with someone who has past hurts and baggage and you love them SO MUCH that you think you can love them through it. I see it a lot with women, since I feel our natural inclination is to be nurturers, but I've also seen men do the same (with a woman, or in relationships with other men). The issues can come from that person's childhood or their experiences in romantic relationships.

There's two ways you try to handle it -
The first way:

Heal them with your love. They've been cheated on and they have trust issues, so you can show them true commitment and honesty. They've been abused in the past, so you're going to show them how it feels to be loved by someone gentle; you would never talk down to them or put your hands on them. They were never told "I Love You" enough, so you're gonna say it everyday, every night. Whatever the issue, you're there to help.

Or, the second way: