Friends in Your Relationship: Are They Helpful or Just Butting In?

There are a lot of women who share intimate details of their relationships with their friends. Whether they are looking for advice or just wanting to vent; but how helpful is it? How much do you tell your friends, and how much of that “advice” should you follow?

There seem to be good points supporting each side.

Some Things I Know About Step-Families

When I say I know these things, I'm speaking of my own experiences as a step-daughter, my observations as a research assistant on a Child Development project, and doing therapy with couples who have children and are trying to navigate the complicated world of step-families.

I've picked up some very useful things from observing, as well as feedback from seasoned professionals in a supervision setting.

Here are a few of those things:

1. During the beginning, "dating," stage - don't rush to introduce your children to that person

.

Yes, you want to be sure they get along before things get too serious, but consider the fact that your children may be struggling with changes to the family structure enough as it is. The person could be the most amazing man or woman and still get a terrible response from your kids. Build the relationship more; make sure you have a strong foundation of affection and caring for each other BEFORE introducing that challenge. When the connection is strong, there is much more motivation to handle challenges at that point. The love/caring you already have will make you and that person want to figure out whatever needs to be done. Besides, you may wind up ending the relationship for something else and realize your children didn't need to meet them after all.

2. Discipline - you handle yours, they handle theirs. Especially for blended families (both partners come in with a child)

I've had families who believe it's best to have the male (dad, step-father) at the "head" of the household, therefore Dad handles the discipline. Or couples want to present a "united front”, so one person handles discipline and the other does not object to whatever punishment is given.

I've actually seen (and been advised) that it's better to let each parent handle their own biological children. First, there's no denying the deeper connection to a child that is biologically related to you. Secondly, it makes for smoother family relationships. As a child, I remember having a somewhat strained relationship with my step-father because he was mostly associated with punishments and spankings in my mind. It wasn't until becoming a young adult that I got to know and fully appreciate the rest of his personality. I can imagine it would have been better for my mom to handle the spankings simply because I would get over whatever resentment I was feeling towards her much faster than this new man in our lives.

Note: any decisions on discipline should still be made jointly – I'm speaking more on who actually implements/announces/dishes out the punishments here. As a couple, talk together but let bio-mom/bio-dad handle it. Make family rules with EVERYONE present (kids too) then hold everyone to the standards you set. Make it clear that more serious issues will be dealt with after dinner, etc, that way if bio-mom/dad isn't present at the time, they can be there for a discussion on it.

3. When you sense problems, consider couple's therapy first!

I can't tell you how many times I've started therapy with a family and their main complaint is the children, but then 1-2 sessions in, I can clearly see it's really the couple who need to look at themselves and fix whatever is going on between them. Children pick up on tension and issues between adults, even when they think it's "behind closed doors" - and they can act out, because this is there only way of dealing with something so complex. I once had a blended family where the father was upset that his son was being disrespectful to the step-mom. Almost immediately I started noticing that Dad didn't seem too happy in his marriage, and it seemed to me that the son was probably acting out of some subconscious loyalty to his father. They needed to work on whatever problems they were experiencing with each other before trying to address the son and force him into something.

Young Love Makes Way For Better Relationships As An Adult

In a recent conversation with a friend, I thought of the value in teenage dating that I had never really considered before. My friend got a late start - she  didn’t really begin dating until the age of 21, whereas most people we knew started around 16. The differences between her and most people we knew in college were huge.  Any guy she started seeing probably had at least 3-5 years of dating experience, while she was just starting out… And it became obvious she was a little behind.

Even though teen age relationships seem insignificant in hindsight, I truly believe we are learning emotional competence during this time. We are able to practice handling emotions during teen years when the stakes weren't that high. If you cheat on your girlfriend, there usually wasn't child support or losing your home to think about. If you like someone a lot and it only lasts a week, it usually didn’t have that much of an effect on either of you – you get a new crush a month later, and they probably find someone just as quickly. As an adult, it can be dangerous to lead someone on.

Of course, this is not to say there are not consequences for your actions during the teen years; there are. That girlfriend you cheated on or person you led on probably made you feel horrible.  But the consequences weren’t as disruptive to your life as when you become an adult. It seems that we more fortunate if we are able to learn these lessons at a time where they are just that – lessons, and you move on.

I actually have a client I’m seeing for therapy who randomly had an issue relevant to this topic – she  found a hickey on her 14 year old son's neck. As she got deeper into what happened, she discovered the hickey was not from the girl who the family knew to be his girlfriend. Not too long after this, I met with the teenager by himself and he told me his mom made him tell his girlfriend and deal with this issue honestly. All I could think was “Wow; he's learning a lesson at 14 that some of my 30 year old friends have not learned to handle!”

The longer you have been dating, the more you have been practicing handling emotions. You've probably had to deal with Humiliation, some level of Heartbreak, Extreme Anger, Disappointment - so you're not completely caught off guard if one of these comes up again. You either know a good solution, or at least a personal example of what NOT to do.

YOU CAN EMAIL QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, AND TOPICS TO ASKKEEYAR@GMAIL.COM :) 

How You Know If It's Really Love - True Love Is Easy To Spot

I believe that in relationships, there is true love if, and only if, over the course of the relationship, there is progression on the part of both people. Something should come out of partnership, and a relationship is not any different.

Your Love Can't Make Up For Someone's Past..

I see it all the time - you get with someone who has past hurts and baggage and you love them SO MUCH that you think you can love them through it. I see it a lot with women, since I feel our natural inclination is to be nurturers, but I've also seen men do the same (with a woman, or in relationships with other men). The issues can come from that person's childhood or their experiences in romantic relationships.

There's two ways you try to handle it -
The first way:

Heal them with your love. They've been cheated on and they have trust issues, so you can show them true commitment and honesty. They've been abused in the past, so you're going to show them how it feels to be loved by someone gentle; you would never talk down to them or put your hands on them. They were never told "I Love You" enough, so you're gonna say it everyday, every night. Whatever the issue, you're there to help.

Or, the second way:

Chased, Pursued...Then Dropped

It happens; someone is attracted to you and they make it known. They let you know they want you, other people know they want you, you get the calls, tweets, texts - everything. Then you go out with them and it's fun. It's exciting. They text you in the morning to see what you have going on for the day, and they text you at night to ask how it all went. There's constant offers to go out and do things; if they don't hear from you, they're wondering why; if they can't see you, they try to plan for another day.... and then you get into them. You start reciprocating the feelings; you have just as much anticipation as they had at the beginning. That lasts for a little while, but then it stops.

I hear this story a lot, from friends, on TV, I see it on blogs in celebrity relationships, and even from my own experiences. From the stories, I've noticed 1 of 2 things are usually going on:

"I Loved Him, Now I Have to Get Tested" - Email from a Reader

I got an email from someone that I thought was perfect to share for today. I woke up this morning and hopped on Twitter - besides talking on the phone, this is how I wake up lol - and immediately see that today, February 7th, is National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day. This email is from the point of view of a girl who recently had a sexual relationship with someone that she is regretting....and in the worst way - she fears she MAY have contracted something from him, or she's at least at risk. I think she captured all the crazy emotions, confusion, and fear perfectly. Read it and comment!!! She's a reader, so she'll see the responses :)

So it’s Tuesday and I just got tested for HIV. And Herpes. And Chlamydia. Actually I just got a panel of test that tested me for a number of sexually transmitted diseases (10 to be exact). I decided to go on WEBMD (aka- the DEVIL) to look up  all the different diseases. And then the bullshit ensued. Herpes …..is that a razor bump or an outbreak? Hepatitis….. my throat has felt a little dry lately. Chlamydia….my cramps were intense this month….HIV…..I can’t I’m done….*shuts down computer*

The Not-So-Obvious Benefits of STD & HIV Testing

There are the obvious benefits, of course – knowing your own status and your potential partner’s status is going to prevent contracting and/or spreading STD’s… but sometimes that’s not our first thought when we’re “in the mood.” When you start feeling somebody (either attracted to them, or starting to catch feelings) you’re not thinking about whether or not they’re going to give you a disease! If that’s what we were thinking, it would kill the mood almost immediately.

For this reason, I think the information about contraction rates, symptoms, safe sex practices, and all that stuff doesn’t motivate people to be safe the way it should. You don’t look at a good looking person and automatically think about protecting yourself from them. Some website or TV commercial warning you about how easy it is to spread HIV doesn’t always stick with you the way it should.  

But what ARE we thinking? Possibly about emotional attachment, whether or not the person feels the same way, a possible relationship with this person, etc… Realizing how much getting tested for STD’s and HIV can affect THESE things could actually motivate people to be more careful about it. At least I would think so.

There are other benefits to getting tested, beyond just health reasons. Getting tested could be related to your emotional attachment to a person; it can also show you whether or not that person feels the same way about you, and it could have a huge impact on a relationship you are already in:

A Lesson in Self-Esteem

I recently had a phone conversation with a good friend that really affected me. My friends and I tell each other stories about our stupidity ALL the time, but this time, I felt the need to get serious. She was going on and on about a guy she was seeing, and it was clear he did not see her as anything more than a sex partner. Which is fine, except that she has feelings for him. I’m going to say here what I said to her:

When we get caught up in bad situations, it’s important to be mindful of the fact that every experience affects our self-esteem. EVERY SITUATION. Any success or failure, big or small. Experiences will affect our self-esteem for the good or bad, and we have no control over that. We can control, though, is how deep it goes.

New Rules of Relationships in 2012? Cheating Isn’t the End of the World?

I’m talking to one of my oldest and best friends the other day & I loved the conversation we had. She was explaining to me how, now that we are older (25 and up), she believes women begin to stop feeling guilty about cheating. The old feelings of guilt should be replaced with a satisfied feeling of achievement…..and pleasure.

She goes on to say, she is not going to let to an opportunity pass her by ever again, just because she is “temporarily coupled up” - especially when, in this day and age, nothing lasts forever. When you ask a person how many relationships they’ve been in, they usually have a pretty long history – or at least SOME history of relationships that have now ended. It means, THEY END. Doesn’t matter how long they lasted, eventually it was over.