I spent my lunch hour the other day at work on the phone with 2 of my friends talking about a problem one of them was having - and debating with the other over what she should do.
My friend has been on again-off again talking (dating, but with no real commitment) to this guy for about a year now. She has recently come to the conclusion that she has feelings for him, but isn't quite sure what to do. For the most part - from what I can tell, and what she has told me - they are mostly involved physically. Anytime any serious conversations come up - like trying to define their situation (what are we to each other?) - he is not responsive, and they usually take a break from talking to each other for a while.
My stance is a great big HELL NO. My other friend (who was the other party on this three-way call) thought she should lay her feelings out & see what happens. We wound up debating back & forth for a while - and I thought it would be interesting to see what other people thought of it. What should my friend do, what would other people do in her place, and if possible, what do GUYS think is the way to go?
I'll present our arguments here (we literally went back and forth like a prosecution-defense, trying to get her to pick our sides lol) & you guys can tell me what you think she will do.
MINE: Drop it. Definitely good to admit you like him, this helps because you are being honest with yourself. If you know you like him "this much" and he isn't there with you, then you know your potential for getting hurt later on down the line. If you are aware of the emotional risks for yourself, it can help you create some distance and act on what you feel is in your best interest. Emotions are okay - but let them have a CONSTRUCTIVE use for you, rather than always fucking things up. Just because you're admitting feelings, doesn't mean you have to go there with him.
HERS (MY FRIEND): Go all out with it; tell him how you feel once and for all. Lay it out there for him and see what he does with it. If he's not with it, then let it go. [Makes sense. She hasn't admitted to herself how she really feels until now, and she definitely hasn't told him. Maybe if she stops the games, he will be receptive]
MINE: Uh, no. You're asking him to give you an answer that i think he's been giving you already - with his actions, for a year now. He hasn't tried to wife it ("wife it" is what me and my friends mean as "asking you to be in a committed relationship" - this can be done to a guy as well), and it's been all this time. He even got a girlfriend during one of their breaks in dating, then came back to their 'situation'. Although you haven't yet blatantly stated your feelings for him, I don't think guys are as stupid as they pretend to be. He knows how you feel because you've been dealing with him this long - why else would you have kept it going? Why else would you guys have the occasional drama over a missed call/text, or a lie he told - if you didn't have feelings? He knows and doesn't share the same feelings you have.
HERS: You can't assume he knows; it's never been said outright. The games went both ways. You have gone back and forth on your feelings and actions as well because she wasn't even admitting her emotions to herself. She should put it out there and see what happens.
MINE: Actions speak for themselves. If he was going to act any differently just because you admit some feelings, he would have already been making subtle changes on his own. He's been acting the same way all this time - it's not going to make a difference. And I still think he knows you have feelings already.
HERS: Switching sides...
-----------
I think my girl made some very good points, and I'm all about going with emotions and doing what feels good to you and for you - but I don't like the potential to get hurt when you have a situation like this. And I don't think it feels good to go into something knowing how much you care and not getting the same back. I like to cut things off early because I know myself and I know how emotional I can be. I save myself from major depression and falling off the face of the earth, lol.
There are exceptions to every rule - these two may get married and have kids. But the rule here, in my opinion, is that if he was feeling it, he would have definitely let her know. This guy doesn't want more.
It may be the right decision for her to go ahead and put it all out there. Aways do what is right FOR YOU. Just make sure you're deciding that it's right for you because you've thought it out for real, and not just acting on a whim.
SOOOOO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? Opinions? Advice? Questions about the post (and I am tired as I am posting this, so any corrections too)?
I've come across this argument with lots of people and I think the problem is: They are basically cut buddies and not really talking. When you are talking to someone, you and the other person have already decided that you like each other (this is a given, hince the word talking). What we got here is a classic case of, we've been having sex and now I have feelings. Now he knows EXACTLY what he is doing by avoiding this conversation. He obviously is not interested in having a relationship with this girl. He is in it for the physical connotations, and I can't blame him. It's there for free, and he wasn't obligated to any emotional attachments. I think she should take the hint he has been laying out for her. I do believe that she should be honest with her feelings. However I don't think she should persue anything with him. When a man is interested, you really don'y have to beg him for an answer. Heck, you don't even have to play the debate game with EVERY friend you have, seaarching for the answer you want to hear...and not the answer you don't.
ReplyDeleteMy sugestion? I think she should bring it up in a No avoidance kind of situation. Let him know what the deal is. Don't ask him in a situation where he can avoid it. Ask him to his face in person! And don't ask him in a way where he can change the subject. "I want more with you, a relationship. And just having sex is no longer enough for me. Do you want to persue this with me?" Now there is a part two to this. If he is still acting all shady then LEAVE HIM ALONE. The first part of the advice is really just to let yourself know once and for all what you already know on the inside. That he is not interested, and to ive you the stregnth and courage to move on. It's going to hurt, but obviously his suttle hints in the nice way he's been doing it is not working. Usually with those kind of "casual sex" relationships, someone (usually the female) always gets attached and most likely with men, their is always more than one girl he is after. :( Sorry
I agree with you completely! after you've already made the mistake of being physical with someone before establishing a commitment, there is a chance to move forward. like you said, if you confront someone in a direct way, you get to be honest about what you are feeling & hear how they feel as well. it may be hard, but it's better to lay it all out and get the brutal truth. it could be good, it could be bad. but it's better than torturing yourself in the long run because you don't want to admit how you feel. might as well rip the band-aid off and find out where that other person is..
ReplyDelete