When Do You Ask A Guy If He's Seeing Anyone Else?

For my 1^st post I’m going to do what my best friend literally asked me a few minutes before I wrote this. She called me on 3-way with one of our friends from college and went right into what they were apparently talking about before they called. “Hey, it’s a question about boys, ask Kya. She’s like an expert.” Then I just started writing bullet points like crazy while we were talking.

So….

“When is it the right time to ask a guy if he’s talking to other people?”

To clarify, our friend has been seeing a guy recently – no sexual involvement, just dates & kissing so far – and she was wondering if she should ask him if he’s seeing other people. Since this relates to EVERYBODY, I figured it was a good post to do. [I’m speaking from a girl’s point of view, in relation to a guy, but it can work for guys in relation to girls too. And in same-sex relationships as well. This stuff is pretty much universal]

Only ask that question if you are sure about how you feel – are you only seeing him? Is that how you want it to be? If you’re clear on your own feelings, then his answer will actually mean something for you, whether it’s to help you make a decision, or whatever.

I remember throughout my whole therapy program, all my professors would ask us “What is the purpose of your question?” – they always emphasized the importance of knowing WHY you were asking something, and how the answer has any significance to your conversation. In other words, do not ask just to be asking.  

You can make a situation awkward for no reason; say you ask him, but you’re not sure how you feel. How does that even help? Even if dude says “No,” you’re jumping the gun & bringing at least a little unnecessary pressure to your situation. [I think I’ll do my next post on Jumping the Gun, cuz I swear it comes up with me and my friends ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time] He could feel like you’re getting serious, just because you asked the question. And maybe it’s not even all that for you yet – don’t give off that impression unless that’s really where you stand. There’s nothing wrong with someone seeing other people in the beginning – you don’t get married the day you meet your husband; every relationship has a Day One. You don’t wanna irritate a situation that is otherwise cool.

Another reason it’s important to be clear on your own feelings is that he may tell you he IS talking to other girls. Then what are you going to do? Well when you know how you feel and what you want, you can take that answer and make a decision off it.

1. He says Yes (dating other people): you may decide you already like him too much to continue semi-dating him & risking getting really hurt in the end. This person is definitely not ever going to fully be in the Platonic Friend-Zone for you. At some level, you will get jealous if they are involved with another person, right in front of your face.

2. He says No (he’s only seeing you, and he wants it to be that way for a while): now you guys can go from there. You both want the same thing, so it can move smoothly from here on out. Warning – just because you’ve established that you’re exclusive, doesn’t mean you have to be on level 10 right away (Level 10 meaning planning baby names & moving in together). You guys can stay right where you are, and just enjoy that. Nothing wrong with Level 10’ers either [my friends say that’s me], just make sure you do what is good for THIS SPECIFIC SITUATION.

There is no time limit to things – what works for one, may not work for another and seem crazy. The only thing that really matters is how in tune you are with yourself; be sure of your choices and what you want before you do things. And if you’re not clear, that’s fine too. Just explore that and GET CLEAR.

SN: In regards to the ANSWERS you get from someone when you ask The Question - You can’t control if someone else lies to you, but you can assert where you stand and how you feel.

TO RECAP——

In short:

• Ask ONLY when you know how you feel (make sure questions have a PURPOSE)
• You don’t wanna bring unnecessary pressure: If you don’t know what you feel and he says No, then asks you & you say “Sort of” “Kinda” or “I don’t know” – he may take that & think maybe he should be talking to other people
• If you know how you feel, it doesn’t matter what his answer is, either way you’re going to be able to make a good decision for yourself: He could say Yes (he is talking to other people), then you can decide if you like him so much that it would eventually cause you pain in the long run to keep talking to him, so you back off. He could say No (he is only dating you), and you both can make progress from there