Having Better Sex, Because You’re Actually Enjoying It

I’ve spoken many times to people around the topic of sex. Two things that come up are actually very related. Women (in heterosexual relationships, although these same feelings can apply to people in same-sex relationships) can sometimes complain that while having sex, a man can be solely interested in his own satisfaction. Women can just lay there, waiting the 30 minutes or so until it is over. Men I’ve spoken to say they can tell when a woman is not enjoying sex, and it makes for a very unsatisfactory experience. The man may still participate, but just like their female counterparts, they too can find themselves waiting for it to be over.

The solution, it seems, is for these women to make the sex work better for them. Don’t just let your satisfaction rely on your sexual partner; revise the part that you can control: YOU.

These are a few ways for any person, male or female, to have better sex by finding ways to enjoy it:

·        Turn yourself on – this is a mental thing

o   If you’re an emotional person, think about how much you love or care about them. You could even repeat in your head “I love him/her; I love you; He/She’s great” etc, etc, if it helps

o   Watch your partner. See what they’re doing. Are those moves you’ve seen in a porno or movie? Just looking at what is going on can really excite a person; the sensations can change just by having a visual. Why do you think those cheesy honeymoon suites come with so many mirrors around the bed? Try moving yours off the dresser, if you want to take it there

o   Fantasize – this one is a little tricky because it depends on you & your partner’s boundaries because oftentimes people fantasize about other people. One common theme is women fantasizing about other women while receiving oral sex, etc. If thinking about other PEOPLE is too much – which for a lot of people, it will be – try thinking about other PLACES or TIMES. Do you guys have kids? Imagine back when you didn’t. Haven’t been anywhere lately? Think about a vacation you’d love to be on at the moment

o   Think about things they’ve done for you lately. Have they made dinner this week? Bought you something nice? For some people this gets them going more than anything physical could, just knowing your husband washed some dishes over the past week may be enough to send you over lol!

·        Concentrate! (this is during the act)

o   Don’t psyche yourself out by thinking too hard about other stuff, or else you’re just laying there for no reason. Clear your mind & be present in the moment. I’ve heard this said many times, but I think people forget about this little tip & they can mess themselves up

o   As you’re getting your thoughts into the moment, think about the feelings that are going on. How does that move feel? What feels good about that?

o   Another thing you can think in your head is something like, “What can I do to make this feel good to me?” – can you shift to the side, turn over, go faster or slower, or make any other subtle changes that will make your current position or situation any better?

·        Let them know what the hell is going on

o   If you don’t like something, tell your partner! It may be a little uncomfortable, but I’m sure they would rather have a small moment of discomfort for the sake of better sex in the future. If they’ve been pulling the same move forever, thinking they are doing something, and to you it just feels like nothing – have them adjust! Tell him, “Move this way” or “Slow Down.” Do what you gotta do, but make sure you get your point across

o   If you’ve been waiting, wishing, and hoping for something in particular (partner never gives oral sex, or does much foreplay), let it be known finally! Your partner will probably be relieved, and may have been wondering why you weren’t very into the sex anyway & could quite possibly WELCOME the advice from you

o   Make sure you say these things respectfully. For some conversations, you may want to talk about the stuff ahead of time. If your partner is being a little difficult or not hearing you, tell them how important it is to you & highlight the benefits these things will give to your shared sex life

·        Give Reactions! Show Appreciation

o   Don’t lay there like a dead fish, staring into space. This step will help you just as much as your partner; the other person may do exactly what you complain about – hurry up & get theirs – because nobody wants to be in bed with someone & have to feel like that person would rather be somewhere else. So be into it, give some reactions. Let them know they are doing something right – which they will, if you are following the steps above.

o   You don’t have to be a screamer, if that’s not you. But come a little out of your head & your comfort zone, and at least start off with faces. Bite your lip, smile at them, look like you are into it. You can start with a low moans – some people are embarrassed and feel silly making noises, but if you start small and be consistent, that embarrassment will go away. Just think of all these things as outward expressions of what is going on inside you – your partner can’t read your mind, so let them know on the outside

o   When dealing with this one it is very important to keep everything real. Give reactions, but go off your real feelings. Faking it can only backfire

·        Enjoy their reactions

o   Look at your partner’s face when you are making love. Listen to their sounds, too. When you are feeling how much they are liking it, it can be a confidence boost and improve your experience over all. When you feel confident, your performance is better

·        Think about other textures and body parts, too

o   You don’t have to focus all your attention on the parts of your body that are primarily involved in the sex act. It can be just as much of a turn on to think about their arms rubbing along your back, how their face feels rubbing against your neck, your feet touching under the sheets – all these things can increase the feeling of intimacy & create soothing sensations that really supplement everything else going on

(In the future, I want to talk about being afraid or timid with oral sex – if you’re going to do it, you’re not doing yourself any favors by half-assing it)

These are really great tips to think about if you are trying to enjoy your sex life a little more. Let me know if you guys have any thoughts, or think you may have something to add! I love feedback!