Teens Waiting For Sex: Reasons & Issues That Actually Matter To Them [A Discussion Relevant for All Ages]

I really think teens believe adults are just preoccupied with their sex lives for no reason. As if parents are just trying to keep them from sexual activity as long as possible with no real logic behind it. In my opinion there are some real issues to consider, at any age, and teens would be surprised to know they're probably not what they assume. 

• Intimacy can be a risky thing: Regardless of your belief system, you can't ignore the fact that sec is an intimate/spiritual connection with another person. This means that when you lie down with someone (even for the more "casual" experiences of today's world), you talk on the issues/life experiences of that other person. The physical transference is apparent, pregnancy/STDs/etc, but the lots of times people are less aware of the emotional consequences. For instance, if you're a guy and you have sex with a girl who has a troubled past - maybe not enough attention from a parent, whatever - your situation is heavily affected. This girl can now have expectations of you, anger towards you when you don't call/text her back, or she becomes clingy.. And what consequences do you think come with a guy who had no father figure, and doesn't know how to respect his sexual partner? Or he has "Mommy-issues" and a deep down animosity towards women? Even girl on girl, guy on guy - the issues are the same. And the younger you are, the less equipped you are to deal with these things. 

• Results of sex aren't always pleasant: it's ideal to be old enough to both know about AND be able to handle the consequences. Of course something like pregnancy is always discussed, but what about your sexual health? There's things I know at my age about women's health that I didn't know before. Sorry for the graphic content, but, for example - if there's vaginal discharge, it matters if it's white vs yellow vs clear. Does it have a smell? These things can mean very different consequences. And men have their own set of health issues - circumcised vs uncircumcised, etc. 

Until you know what's going on with you body (which comes with age/experience/knowledge), don't risk it. And if there ever is an issue, as an adult you are able to handle it better. You have your own money, your own health insurance, your own car. Whatever happens, you don't have to call mom or dad to help you handle it and your confidentiality is up to your own discretion. 

• Older = you're more knowledgeable = sex is more pleasurable: This is my personal favorite because it comes from what my mom told me when I was 13-14. She said, "I wouldn't want to have sex with a 14 year old boy; some 30 year olds can't do it right, so I KNOW a teenage boy couldn't possibly be anywhere near what someone would want." (Now, of course she said a lot more, but honestly at my age THIS is what stuck out the most and was actually effective). Despite what my friends were saying and no matter how much they bragged, it always occurred to me that they probably don't even know enough to know what good sex even is. Forgetting about your sexual partner, even - YOU, yourself (as a teen) don't know enough about sex and your own body to have as pleasurable of an experience as you think you would. And the answer isn't a simple "practice makes perfect" approach. Sex with multiple partners isn't the way you learn these things in the most constructive way. Age helps, you get more confidence and self-awareness. Love helps. Knowledge helps. 

What other things help when talking to teens? Leave comments or email askkeeyar@gmail.com

What advice would your teenage self have to give on the relationship you're in now?

When I start my private practice and work with couples on a larger scale, I'm going to do this exercise with them: what would your teenage self say to you now, if they could see the relationship you are in now? Very often I've heard people express what advice they would give as an adult to their teenage selves, but I actually believe we have a very strong sense of self at that age and the advice can come from the other direction. 

This idea came from talking to my 15 year old sister.. I was telling her about a friend's misfortune in dealing with a boyfriend who cheated on her very publicly. And the excuse he used was that he was drunk, and that was enough. To my sister, wise teenager that she is (lol), this was ridiculous! "Your friend is STUPID", she text me. Now, anyone would agree with that, adult or teen. But looking at it deeper, adults are actually more prone to let blatant disrespect such as this slide, because we over-complicate decisions by being TOO "big picture" sometimes. 

Obviously it wasn't his "great" excuse that kept her - it could be the years they've spent together, the child they have, the comfort in old habits, whatever. Adults have different standards than teens. And while most of the time this is a good thing because it can show more commitment and responsibility, it's not always for the better. Sometimes we need to get in touch with that old part of ourselves who wasn't taking crap from guys (or girls).. The part of us that had big dreams for what being in love should look like.. So I challenge you to ask yourself, what have you put up with that the 15 year old You would say "You're STUPID" to? If you had more confidence, more courage, audacity; what would you stand up to right now and change? Did you think you'd ever put your needs aside to the point of being ignored? Or be in a boring relationship? Not speak up when you know you should? Is your sex life what you thought and hoped for? Advice from a teenager sounds crazy, but in some ways that simpler time in our lives can inform us better than our "adult" shades of gray can. 

[disclaimer: Change doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship, I don't condone giving up because things aren't good. I mean this post to say, stop letting things pass! Make some changes! Adjust your relationship to something you and your partner can be proud of!]

Email: askkeeyar@gmail.com

Leave comments, thoughts, let me know what you would change!

Friends in Your Relationship: Are They Helpful or Just Butting In?

There are a lot of women who share intimate details of their relationships with their friends. Whether they are looking for advice or just wanting to vent; but how helpful is it? How much do you tell your friends, and how much of that “advice” should you follow?

There seem to be good points supporting each side.

Some Things I Know About Step-Families

When I say I know these things, I'm speaking of my own experiences as a step-daughter, my observations as a research assistant on a Child Development project, and doing therapy with couples who have children and are trying to navigate the complicated world of step-families.

I've picked up some very useful things from observing, as well as feedback from seasoned professionals in a supervision setting.

Here are a few of those things:

1. During the beginning, "dating," stage - don't rush to introduce your children to that person

.

Yes, you want to be sure they get along before things get too serious, but consider the fact that your children may be struggling with changes to the family structure enough as it is. The person could be the most amazing man or woman and still get a terrible response from your kids. Build the relationship more; make sure you have a strong foundation of affection and caring for each other BEFORE introducing that challenge. When the connection is strong, there is much more motivation to handle challenges at that point. The love/caring you already have will make you and that person want to figure out whatever needs to be done. Besides, you may wind up ending the relationship for something else and realize your children didn't need to meet them after all.

2. Discipline - you handle yours, they handle theirs. Especially for blended families (both partners come in with a child)

I've had families who believe it's best to have the male (dad, step-father) at the "head" of the household, therefore Dad handles the discipline. Or couples want to present a "united front”, so one person handles discipline and the other does not object to whatever punishment is given.

I've actually seen (and been advised) that it's better to let each parent handle their own biological children. First, there's no denying the deeper connection to a child that is biologically related to you. Secondly, it makes for smoother family relationships. As a child, I remember having a somewhat strained relationship with my step-father because he was mostly associated with punishments and spankings in my mind. It wasn't until becoming a young adult that I got to know and fully appreciate the rest of his personality. I can imagine it would have been better for my mom to handle the spankings simply because I would get over whatever resentment I was feeling towards her much faster than this new man in our lives.

Note: any decisions on discipline should still be made jointly – I'm speaking more on who actually implements/announces/dishes out the punishments here. As a couple, talk together but let bio-mom/bio-dad handle it. Make family rules with EVERYONE present (kids too) then hold everyone to the standards you set. Make it clear that more serious issues will be dealt with after dinner, etc, that way if bio-mom/dad isn't present at the time, they can be there for a discussion on it.

3. When you sense problems, consider couple's therapy first!

I can't tell you how many times I've started therapy with a family and their main complaint is the children, but then 1-2 sessions in, I can clearly see it's really the couple who need to look at themselves and fix whatever is going on between them. Children pick up on tension and issues between adults, even when they think it's "behind closed doors" - and they can act out, because this is there only way of dealing with something so complex. I once had a blended family where the father was upset that his son was being disrespectful to the step-mom. Almost immediately I started noticing that Dad didn't seem too happy in his marriage, and it seemed to me that the son was probably acting out of some subconscious loyalty to his father. They needed to work on whatever problems they were experiencing with each other before trying to address the son and force him into something.

Young Love Makes Way For Better Relationships As An Adult

In a recent conversation with a friend, I thought of the value in teenage dating that I had never really considered before. My friend got a late start - she  didn’t really begin dating until the age of 21, whereas most people we knew started around 16. The differences between her and most people we knew in college were huge.  Any guy she started seeing probably had at least 3-5 years of dating experience, while she was just starting out… And it became obvious she was a little behind.

Even though teen age relationships seem insignificant in hindsight, I truly believe we are learning emotional competence during this time. We are able to practice handling emotions during teen years when the stakes weren't that high. If you cheat on your girlfriend, there usually wasn't child support or losing your home to think about. If you like someone a lot and it only lasts a week, it usually didn’t have that much of an effect on either of you – you get a new crush a month later, and they probably find someone just as quickly. As an adult, it can be dangerous to lead someone on.

Of course, this is not to say there are not consequences for your actions during the teen years; there are. That girlfriend you cheated on or person you led on probably made you feel horrible.  But the consequences weren’t as disruptive to your life as when you become an adult. It seems that we more fortunate if we are able to learn these lessons at a time where they are just that – lessons, and you move on.

I actually have a client I’m seeing for therapy who randomly had an issue relevant to this topic – she  found a hickey on her 14 year old son's neck. As she got deeper into what happened, she discovered the hickey was not from the girl who the family knew to be his girlfriend. Not too long after this, I met with the teenager by himself and he told me his mom made him tell his girlfriend and deal with this issue honestly. All I could think was “Wow; he's learning a lesson at 14 that some of my 30 year old friends have not learned to handle!”

The longer you have been dating, the more you have been practicing handling emotions. You've probably had to deal with Humiliation, some level of Heartbreak, Extreme Anger, Disappointment - so you're not completely caught off guard if one of these comes up again. You either know a good solution, or at least a personal example of what NOT to do.

YOU CAN EMAIL QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, AND TOPICS TO ASKKEEYAR@GMAIL.COM :) 

How You Know If It's Really Love - True Love Is Easy To Spot

I believe that in relationships, there is true love if, and only if, over the course of the relationship, there is progression on the part of both people. Something should come out of partnership, and a relationship is not any different.

Your Love Can't Make Up For Someone's Past..

I see it all the time - you get with someone who has past hurts and baggage and you love them SO MUCH that you think you can love them through it. I see it a lot with women, since I feel our natural inclination is to be nurturers, but I've also seen men do the same (with a woman, or in relationships with other men). The issues can come from that person's childhood or their experiences in romantic relationships.

There's two ways you try to handle it -
The first way:

Heal them with your love. They've been cheated on and they have trust issues, so you can show them true commitment and honesty. They've been abused in the past, so you're going to show them how it feels to be loved by someone gentle; you would never talk down to them or put your hands on them. They were never told "I Love You" enough, so you're gonna say it everyday, every night. Whatever the issue, you're there to help.

Or, the second way:

Chased, Pursued...Then Dropped

It happens; someone is attracted to you and they make it known. They let you know they want you, other people know they want you, you get the calls, tweets, texts - everything. Then you go out with them and it's fun. It's exciting. They text you in the morning to see what you have going on for the day, and they text you at night to ask how it all went. There's constant offers to go out and do things; if they don't hear from you, they're wondering why; if they can't see you, they try to plan for another day.... and then you get into them. You start reciprocating the feelings; you have just as much anticipation as they had at the beginning. That lasts for a little while, but then it stops.

I hear this story a lot, from friends, on TV, I see it on blogs in celebrity relationships, and even from my own experiences. From the stories, I've noticed 1 of 2 things are usually going on:

"I Loved Him, Now I Have to Get Tested" - Email from a Reader

I got an email from someone that I thought was perfect to share for today. I woke up this morning and hopped on Twitter - besides talking on the phone, this is how I wake up lol - and immediately see that today, February 7th, is National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day. This email is from the point of view of a girl who recently had a sexual relationship with someone that she is regretting....and in the worst way - she fears she MAY have contracted something from him, or she's at least at risk. I think she captured all the crazy emotions, confusion, and fear perfectly. Read it and comment!!! She's a reader, so she'll see the responses :)

So it’s Tuesday and I just got tested for HIV. And Herpes. And Chlamydia. Actually I just got a panel of test that tested me for a number of sexually transmitted diseases (10 to be exact). I decided to go on WEBMD (aka- the DEVIL) to look up  all the different diseases. And then the bullshit ensued. Herpes …..is that a razor bump or an outbreak? Hepatitis….. my throat has felt a little dry lately. Chlamydia….my cramps were intense this month….HIV…..I can’t I’m done….*shuts down computer*

The Not-So-Obvious Benefits of STD & HIV Testing

There are the obvious benefits, of course – knowing your own status and your potential partner’s status is going to prevent contracting and/or spreading STD’s… but sometimes that’s not our first thought when we’re “in the mood.” When you start feeling somebody (either attracted to them, or starting to catch feelings) you’re not thinking about whether or not they’re going to give you a disease! If that’s what we were thinking, it would kill the mood almost immediately.

For this reason, I think the information about contraction rates, symptoms, safe sex practices, and all that stuff doesn’t motivate people to be safe the way it should. You don’t look at a good looking person and automatically think about protecting yourself from them. Some website or TV commercial warning you about how easy it is to spread HIV doesn’t always stick with you the way it should.  

But what ARE we thinking? Possibly about emotional attachment, whether or not the person feels the same way, a possible relationship with this person, etc… Realizing how much getting tested for STD’s and HIV can affect THESE things could actually motivate people to be more careful about it. At least I would think so.

There are other benefits to getting tested, beyond just health reasons. Getting tested could be related to your emotional attachment to a person; it can also show you whether or not that person feels the same way about you, and it could have a huge impact on a relationship you are already in:

A Lesson in Self-Esteem

I recently had a phone conversation with a good friend that really affected me. My friends and I tell each other stories about our stupidity ALL the time, but this time, I felt the need to get serious. She was going on and on about a guy she was seeing, and it was clear he did not see her as anything more than a sex partner. Which is fine, except that she has feelings for him. I’m going to say here what I said to her:

When we get caught up in bad situations, it’s important to be mindful of the fact that every experience affects our self-esteem. EVERY SITUATION. Any success or failure, big or small. Experiences will affect our self-esteem for the good or bad, and we have no control over that. We can control, though, is how deep it goes.

New Rules of Relationships in 2012? Cheating Isn’t the End of the World?

I’m talking to one of my oldest and best friends the other day & I loved the conversation we had. She was explaining to me how, now that we are older (25 and up), she believes women begin to stop feeling guilty about cheating. The old feelings of guilt should be replaced with a satisfied feeling of achievement…..and pleasure.

She goes on to say, she is not going to let to an opportunity pass her by ever again, just because she is “temporarily coupled up” - especially when, in this day and age, nothing lasts forever. When you ask a person how many relationships they’ve been in, they usually have a pretty long history – or at least SOME history of relationships that have now ended. It means, THEY END. Doesn’t matter how long they lasted, eventually it was over.

How Do You Handle When Your Friend is Dating a Jerk?

Happens all the time… Your friend is involved with someone who is so blatantly wrong for them. In fact, it’s like the worse the guy is, the MORE she likes him! And then she wants to talk to you about him all the time. What do you do? Do you tell her she’s an idiot and put strain on your friendship? Do you pretend to be happy for her, and risk encouraging a situation that you know is going to be hurtful in the end?

The Only Time You Know He Wants To Be with You Is When He’s Begging To Stay (Advice to MEN & Women)

[I’m going to speak on this one in terms of a male to female relationship, but it applies across the board to gay relationships as well. You can always substitute gender terms if it applies]

Sometimes I really wish I could just scream to guys: “Your girl is trippin because the only time she can tell you want to stay is when you’re begging her not to go!” And what do I mean by that? I mean, for some girls, the only time they really hear about how much their man loves them is when she’s had enough and told him she wants out. Then come the tears and the begging and the professions of undying love.

The problem: In some relationships, men get comfortable. In the day to day they seem to take their partner for granted – there’s no appreciation, mention of the things he loves about his partner, no over-the-top “I Love You’s,”no random romantic gestures…nothing. If the couple argues, he might walk out or in the days after, he’s fine with the silent tension.

A Major Mistake Guys Make With Finances

For this topic, I’ll speak on from experience. I’ve had this problem in a few of my own relationships, and it’s definitely something that hits home for me on many levels: When guys (and honestly, some girls) get so caught up in doing BIG things, they forget the SMALL things matter too. I’ve seen it through marriages in some of my clients and/or family members, and I’ve watched it happen to my friends.

When a man isn’t where he wants be financially, this can cause major issues. Men have a huge expectation on them to provide financially, an expectation which women don’t automatically have. A woman making less than her partner may cause a little friction, but it’s not looked at like a huge failure the way it is when a man is bringing in less revenue. For some, financial hardship can bring into question a guy’s very manhood and that can really hurt.

Importance of Being Consistent With What You Want

A lot of my current work focuses on family relationships, specifically parenting issues. Lately, discipline has been the hot topic with my families and the whole time we’re discussing the techniques, my brain is relating it to couple relationships. One great technique we talk about, and it continues to stick out to me, is using CONSISTENCY.

Using consistency will work REALLY WELL in romantic relationships because the underlying issue with discipline is just RESPECT anyway. And you definitely have to make sure you’re getting it in your love life – so this fits perfectly! One thing I know to be true is that Respect is gained by being consistent and staying true to what you say – in other words, “Walking the Talk.”

A lot of times, people complain certain aspects of their relationship that have to do with things their partner is doing - a woman complains her husband never helps her clean up, girl complains someone she is dating never returns her calls consistently, a guy reminds his partner almost daily about something they're doing which he can't stand. You can never change someone else, you can only make changes to yourself. Since you can't control what the other person is doing, change what you do have control over - YOU. You CAN change the way you react to it. Start by being consistent with your standards. 

How NOT to Let Facebook & Twitter Ruin Your Relationship

I always hear people screaming about how social networks are “ruining relationships,” but I think a relationship can do just fine if there are guidelines. I don’t think the answer is deciding you can only date someone who doesn’t have a facebook, twitter, or myspace profile. I think the answer is upholding some kind of standards. Besides, a website can't do anything you don't LET it do

**My constant disclaimer: these things apply to many relationships! Every generation is on social networking sites nowadays so people in marriages, new relationships, live-in relationships – every stage can relate to this. And it gender doesn’t matter either. Guys and girls deal with both sides of the issue. As well as those in homosexual or heterosexual relationships.**

Rough Patches - I Finally Learned They Aren't Hopeless

Every now and then, I think something really good happens and all I can think is: “that’s perfect for the blog!” I really want my blog to be about people learning from each other’s experiences, so I try to include my take on stories I hear from friends or analyze my own situation.

One night a while back, I was having a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship. Even in the midst of all the tension, seriousness, and everything else, I was typing like crazy on my Blackberry so I could remember what was being said. I recently came across the note again, and I decided to post it. 

My boyfriend is a writer, so he expresses himself extremely well verbally. He explained his view of our situation so well that I had to write it down. The talk we had really helped me to understand where he was coming from and it took me out of my stubborn position. Anyone who knows me, knows that’s a really big deal – I make up my mind about something and that’s just it. I was irritated so I had decided I wasn’t going to put forth any effort to fix things and I had grown complacent with the barely talking to each other and having little arguments every day. We had been experiencing a lot of tension because of financial and professional stressors, so the quality of our interactions with each other had deteriorated significantly. In a nutshell: We just weren’t being nice to each other anymore. But we talked and, even though I was already going to stick it out, he helped me to decide to do my part and stop the BS now. It was like a revamping of our relationship and getting back to our original purpose: being together as we pursue our individual goals and get closer to the things we aspire to do as a couple as well. *Keep reading, because he had a great metaphor for the dynamic in our relationship*

Easy Ways to Give Your Relationship a Tune –Up

….or just maintain what you already have going.

Relationships are hard. Especially the long term relationships. The new ones are way easier, you make a few nice gestures… remember a birthday or some little known fact about them and suddenly you’re God’s gift to mankind. But when you’ve passed the New-New stage, those same little moves get forgotten. You feel like you know the person so well and people get comfortable. I think people should realize that those little courtesies you give people at work – making sure you check your attitude before you come at your boss, etc – or you give a random person at the store… Or even the politeness you would show a friend – should be shown to your partner, too.

Why Do I Like The One I KNOW I Shouldn't??

I had a conversation with a good friend the other day, and we were both trying to decide what it is that makes us attracted to those situations we know logically we’re better off being out of. Like, Why we love that ex-boyfriend we know just aint no good… Or why we tend to get more excited about the “bad guys” over the good, respectful, “safe” ones. It seems like we get bored with guys who treat us right, call consistently, don’t break our trust, tell us the truth about everything – all the things the “safe” guys do without any hard work, sweat, and tears on our part. But then, we fuss and fight with the bad guys for not doing those EXACT things! 

What makes us stick around and try to fix something, when we could just move on and find something that comes already established. We even had examples of our friends who got into something good and still looked back at a past, broken relationship and felt a twinge of nostalgia.

I brought up some reasons that were both funny and actually seemed to make some sense [these things apply to guys, girls, heterosexual relationships, and homosexual too. I’ve talked to plenty guys involved with girls they know aren’t good for them, and they can’t seem to figure out why. And my gay friends too, just can’t figure out why they keep being drawn to someone who can’t give them what they deserve]: